Saturday, February 27, 2010

My 28th year

Where do I start? 28 was all about my Drew. We are pretty sure we got pregnant with him on my birthday last year but we didn't find out until April 13. I still have the receipt from buying the pregnancy test at 9:30 that morning. I took the test, fully expecting a negative result, just before I opened the doors for work that Monday morning. I saw the clearest two pink lines I've ever seen and immediately started hyperventilating and crying. I called Corinne first because I didn't know what to do. Nine blissful months followed. Here are some of the highlights and a few lowlights:

-taking Drew to North Carolina camping with my family on July 4th. We found out the day before we left that our sweet baby was an Andrew and not a Suzanne.
-tooling around in Memphis on clinic Wednesdays. Little did we know how helpful it would be to know our way around the city when we were in the NICU at LeBonheur.
-getting two hugs each from Charles and Elise every time I was near for me and one for baby Andrew.
-the first time I saw my sweet little bean on April 27...10 weeks pregnant
-celebrating Mother's Day for the first time.
-watching my belly was so big and round and beautiful.
-baby showers, baby showers, baby showers
-meeting Melissa, Martina and Missy...I will never forget the love and care I received in their warm, familiar clinic.
-the God-awful week I spent in Uvalde, TX. Don't ever go there...the place is a cesspool.

A good friend told me at the beginning of the year that 2009 was going to be the best year yet. He was right. I spent the majority of the year blissfully happy. It was the year I met my precious Andrew and became his momma. Our house was a place of constant joy and anticipation. We sat on the couch every night rubbing my stomach and talking about how different life was going to be. We never imagined it would be this different. I remember how happy and proud Austin was.

Now our house is warm and cozy out of desperation. We cling to each other because we have been through what no couple ever should. Our bond has been cemented by this loss. The probability of divorce skyrockets when a couple loses a child...I won't ever say "that will never happen to us" because clearly anything can happen to anyone, but I can't imagine ever leaving Austin's side. He is the only human who feels the loss of Andrew like I do...the loss of a piece of yourself. Andrew was perfectly half Austin and half me. And he is gone.

So here I am...29 and a wreck. My precious family spent all weekend doing everything they could think of to make me happy. They don't try to distract me from thinking about Drew...they just do everything they can to make me feel loved and supported. Good job family...this weekend it worked. Of course, I cried several times on Saturday. My birthday was supposed to be so different. My yittle boy wasn't here to noozle noses with me like he was supposed to. However, they pampered and spoiled me all day long and I really felt festive and happy. Thanks are truly the best.

I scheduled a doctor's appointment for next Thursday with an OB in Memphis. Melissa recommended her to me and I am really excited about going. One of my best girls told me that she was pretty nervous about me getting pregnant again. Afraid I'll be a total basket case and she is right. I will be a neurotic, over protective mess of a woman. But I need to make progress; I need to feel hopeful again.