Sunday, August 1, 2010

what happened

I have no idea why my son died. I'll never know why he died. I tell myself that it was just some lightning strike cord one's fault, just a freak, random accident. But was it? Did the doctor cut the cord too soon? Doing so can cause massive brain damage in infants, but did that do it? Was it my fault? I go over that question more than any other. What did I do...what did I not do? A mother's very basic job is to ensure the safety of her child...something I couldn't do. I know for a fact that every decision I made was made thinking that I was doing the very best for Andrew. But it could have been wrong. Should we have gone to the hospital on the 1st when I had false labor? Should I have just inherently known something wasn't right? Where was my intuition? If I ever get pregnant again, how am I supposed to trust that I will make the right decisions? I get sick to my stomach thinking of all the times I turned left when I probably should have turned right. I know that thinking these things is pointless...nothing will make it right, nothing will bring my Drew back.

I have come up with a tidy little story that I tell people when they ask what happened. I tell them that there was an apparent cord injury sometime at birth and he suffered massive brain damage as a result that was too severe to overcome. And I guess that's the truth. The unanswered question that remains is what caused it all? It kills me that the only thing I know for certain is that I'll never know for certain. I could very well be the reason my son is dead. Or he could have been harmed by the doctor cutting the cord or by the nurses not responding to my bleeding or by "fill in the blank."

While logically I know that I could be responsible in some way, I also logically know that I cannot hold myself hostage with these thoughts. I love my son more than my own life and know that I could never have knowingly done anything to cause him harm. I just wish I knew what happened and when it happened.