Sunday, September 19, 2010

sweet little boo

Its been 9 whole months since my Drewber died...NINE. I'm not sure why that seems significant to me. I guess its because of the whole pregnant for 9 months thing...well 9 months in most cases. I'm a marathoner. I could have grown another brother or sister by now, but we all know that hasn't happened.

Sweet little boo, I miss you with every breath I take. Thank you for still visiting me every now and again in my dreams. You are all momma ever wanted and I still feel you so strongly. I wish I could hold you and love you and teach you about the world. I wish you could know your cousins who still think about you every day. I don't think they understand how this all could have really happened but they still find ways to make sure you are remembered. I'm so sorry this happened to us...I would do anything, give anything to have stopped it. I'm trying to make sure that I don't become a bitter, sad woman old before her time because of this. I know you would be so sad if I gave in completely to this awful emptiness. I only feel whole again when I am with your daddy in our house, especially in your room. I feel normal there, like I fit. Your room is still peaceful and warm...hopefully I'll be rocking your brother or sister in there one day soon. I love you sweetest boy. Thanks for spending as much time with us as your little body would allow. We are forever thankful for every second. Thank you for teaching me how to be a fighter, how to be strong, how to love, how to grieve, how to have courage. Thank you for making me realize how beautiful your father is straight to his core. Thank you for everything I learned about the world, about myself. You are always with me precious boy.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Andrew's Daddy

My sweet strong husband's birthday is today. I'm sure he was somewhat dreading the day...hard to celebrate life when your boy is gone. Austin is a very emotional guy...usually really vocal about how he's feeling and what he's thinking. About everything except for Andrew. He keeps this pretty private. Every now and then, I get a glimpse of his pain and it knocks me to my knees. I know how bad my heart is destroyed and knowing that his is equally destroyed is almost too much to bear. I would give anything to make this go away for us, anything to take away the pain I see in his eyes. I wish that instead of giving him cycling jerseys and cycling bibs, I could be giving him his wiggly son on his birthday morning. I wish that I could stop this god awful wishing.

Thank you sweet husband, on your birthday, for always being patient with me. I know my incessant sadness must be a terrible reminder of how you can't fix this. Thank you for trying to in a million different ways. I couldn't ask for a better other.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

a new start?

I'm sweaty...that's cause I've taken up running. I'm not good at it, but give me a bit and I will be. I ran two 5Ks in August and I'm quite proud of myself. This last one was Saturday, for the Forrest Spence Fund in Memphis. The Spence's newborn son Forrest died in LeBonheur a few years back and they created this fund to help with the needs of families like theirs that would come behind them. They create care baskets with everyday items that you might take for granted until you are living out of a backpack with whatever you threw in as you rushed out the door to the NICU. Things that allow you to not really think about anything other than being with your baby. It is a fabulous fund run by genuinely good people who are doing so much to honor sweet Forrest's name. The event was great...Daddy, Austin, and two precious friends ran it with me. My sweet momma, bless her bad knees, was a Ghost runner and official photographer. Corinne couldn't go because she had to stay behind and run the store, but she will surely be there next year. We left Oxford around 5:30 with a sleepy Lu in the backseat tucked in between me and Mimi. Daddy is a super Pop and came in second place in his age group. They guy he beat was named Mark McGuire so we all got a good laugh out of that! All in all, it was a very emotional day. I saw one of the mommas that was in the NICU with Andrew. Her son died a few weeks after my Drew...on his little 3 month birthday after his 8th surgery. Thank God we didn't have to go through that.

I have also started on the fertility train. I have three more pills of prometrium to take before I supposedly will start my period. Then, on day 5, I take Clomid for 5 days. After that, I go in for an ultrasound on day 12 to check everything out. I'm pretty sure this process is how I got pregnant with Drewbie, but I'm not sure. I'm honestly doing everything I should be doing to help my body be able to get pregnant so we'll see. I'm trying to not think about it much, but I dare say I feel a tad hopeful these days. I'll keep you posted.

In other news, I'm famous...check me out!