Monday, December 19, 2011

two years

It has been two years today since our sweetest Andrew died. I don't really have much to say about how I feel about that. I just can't let today go by without posting the words.

I still miss, still love, still want you precious boy. And I always, always will.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Happy Birthday Baby

Sweetest Andrew Edward,

Your birthday is in a few days. I'm writing early since I don't want to waste your birthday in front of my computer, but I don't want to let the day go by without mention. You would be two years old this year. I would have two years of memories, two years of motherhood firmly under my belt. Instead, I have two years of what ifs and what isn'ts under my belt. Your story is so much less than it should be, so much shorter than seems right. Having your sweet little brother, Thomas, here with us for the last six weeks makes me realize just exactly what I wasn't able to have with you. He looks so much like you, by the way. He was just a few days old when I really realized it. I was feeding him in our room and I looked down and I swear it could have been you I was holding. My heart hasn't felt that much pain in so long...I felt like I WAS holding you again and my eyes flooded with tears. I kissed his face like it was yours and I felt so guilty for wishing it was you for just those few seconds. That isn't to say that I don't want Thomas...I just want you too. I'll never stop wishing you were here, never stop wanting to kiss your sweet face, never stop wondering why I can't. You will always be my first sweet baby and I'm so proud to be your momma. I don't really get to talk about you much anymore and, most of the time, I don't need to. This time of year is always hard and I think I feel further away from you this year in particular. I don't want these upcoming 13 days to go by without acknowledging you in some way. I'm already doing a few things to honor you. I gave two dollars to the Salvation Army lady at Kroger the other day since you would have been two years old. I don't know what else to do but the small things seem to help.

I wish you could meet Thomas. He is wonderful in every way and I'm so sorry you can't be his big brother. I'm so sad that everyone will think HE is the big brother. You are sweet baby, but no one will know. To the world, he is my first. You are sweet baby, but no one will know. I feel like the longer you have been gone from me, the more you disappear. I miss you so much still feels so wrong and so godawful sad.

So here I am, two days before your two year old birthday. I don't know what to do with myself on Tuesday. Thank God your daddy is off of work. I don't know if I'll be sad, happy, or indifferent. It seems wrong to just make it just a regular old not do anything. But how do you celebrate a birthday for a boy who isn't here? I love you so completely and fully. Happy Birthday precious angel boy. You made me a momma two years ago and I can never tell you how you've transformed my heart. You prepared me for your little brother...he and I both can't thank you enough. You will always be such a gift to me. I'll never stop remembering you, missing you, loving you, wanting you. Thank you for being my first, precious little baby. Momma loves you.