Sunday, September 23, 2012

this happy year

We're a few weeks away from Thomas' first birthday. I can't believe how fast this first year has gone. I'm sure all mommas say that, but I really can't believe it. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was sitting in Dr. Dulaney's office listening to the inane babble of the nervous, young momma beside me. I was totally prepared for her to send me to the hospital to have Thomas, but totally unprepared at the same time. I remember being so scared and fluttery inside walking into the hospital last October, hoping I'd leave a happy mother at last. This past year, I can say with all confidence, has been the happiest year of my life. I feel like an ass saying that since my sweet sister has gone through quite possibly the worst year of her life at the same time. She'll read this, understand, and forgive me. I guess the year would have been happy regardless of my past, as I learned how to be a mother. However, I think my happiness is intensified in the wake of my all consuming grief over losing Andrew. The first few weeks of Thomas' life were such an emotional roller-coaster that I've never really written about here. Austin and I were both blind-sided by a new wave of grief right after T was born. We stared in the face all that we missed. Late nights we never had, baths we never gave, tiny booties we never wiped. So so much. The fullness of our days and nights screamed at us the emptiness of the past two years. I had real trouble nursing...Thomas, as most of you know, is a big kid and therefore, a big eater. My milk didn't come in very quickly and I couldn't bear to hear him scream, I was so afraid that something was wrong with him. I know now that I was projecting my fears onto him and that I needed to relax, maybe let him cry a little and breathe. I wasn't taking care of myself, wasn't sleeping and was fretting my days away, all of which does nothing for a good milk supply. I gave in and supplemented with formula and pumped for 8 weeks. I hated hated hated the pump. It smelled like the two weeks we were in the hospital with Andrew and reminded me of everything that made my skin crawl during those two weeks. It gave me the same helpless feeling of failure and of being not enough for my babies. Again, this doing nothing for one's milk supply. I powered through thanks to my sweet baby, and my family. I still feel guilt and regret over the nursing situation, but I guess what's done is done...fretting over it won't do any good. So, the happiness...oh, the happiness. My body physically hurts sometimes when I look at my little Thomas, I love him so much. I love to mother him, would do anything anything anything for him. He's really the sweetest, most loving little strong willed baby around. He is a joy to be around and I love to watch his little mind figure things out. Every day, he learns something new and I'm completely in awe that I get to be his mother. I read something the other day on Pinterest (I'm a nerd) about mothers and sons. The thing that stuck with me said that "you will always be home to him." How wonderful to be that for someone! My heart is so full. What a crazy life...I have experienced in the last three years the happiest and the saddest years of my life. Hands down. Thomas is the deep cleansing breath that I so desperately needed in all of 2010. Many times since my precious Andrew was born, I wondered if I could make it through, whether I could take one more step, breathe one more breath. My little Thomas gave me new life. His beautiful birth birthed a new Lindsey. I feel whole again. This isn't to say that something isn't missing from my life...there will always always be a GIANT something missing. I have learned though that my new complete embraces this missing. In fact, I wouldn't be complete without it. So, I'll end as I normally do, with one simple addition. To my two sweet boys, thank you for letting me be your momma. Thank you both for teaching me how to grieve, how to heal, and how to truly love with no limits. I am so proud of our sweet family of four.