Monday, February 22, 2010

PCP dreams

I have had two completely horrible dreams about my Drewber. I won't go into detail about them because they are really disturbing and I kinda feel like I am saying bad stuff about him for some reason. They both were mainly about me trying to convince everyone that Andrew was still alive. Only I knew he was alive in each dream and I spent most of my time trying to convince everyone else. Austin is always there and always believes me but can't see him like I can. They were some of the most vivid and real dreams I have ever had and I don't want to have anymore. Last night's did have a sweet moment when I saw his hands and feet...he even held my hand for a minute. I wake up so sad and horribly reminded that THIS is my reality. A reality where Drew is not alive and won't ever be again. I am one of those people who try to decipher what their dreams mean and I think I have these pegged. Austin and I were the only people who knew our baby boy as a fully alive, active being. He moved in my body and I felt his every kick and hiccup. I think I am having these dreams because I so desperately need to tell the story of my sweet boy's life. I need people to know he lived and thrived once upon a time.

I got the first supplies I needed to start on Andrew's baby book yesterday. I went to Target with Beth and got a really pretty green scrapbook and cutesy baby stickers. I'll post pictures as I make more progress. Right now, its just a mass of scrap paper and stickers in a pile on my dining room table. I feel like I am doing something positive that I will always appreciate having done. My uncle died when he was nine and my grandmother told me after Drew died that she regretted not having kept better records of his life. She doesn't remember what was read at his funeral or the songs they sang. She of course can probably remember every second of the day he died and many other days that she had with him. I want to remember all of our days and I want our other kids to know. They may never read what I have written or look at the books I put together, but they will have the chance. My Andrew lived and I need to know that he mattered to this world. I need tangible evidence that he wasn't just a fleeting thing, but a real, lasting being that will forever be with me in some way.

This is my birthday week. Historically, I bug the crap out of everyone near me this week. I like a good birthday. This year...not so much. Last year, I made a huge deal about it being my last childless birthday. I went all out, figuring that I would not be able to this year. I am excited about my party on Friday and spending time with my family on Saturday. BUT...I should be doing something completely different. (I am pissed that all I do these days is whine about what I SHOULD be doing or what I DON'T HAVE.) So beware all who are near me this weekend, I could be a complete mess.

I am going to my first "support group" on Thursday night. I feel creepy saying that but it is what it is. I'm excited to go to see what my world could possibly look like ten or twelve years from now.


  1. Oh little sister. I wish I had some weird lidocaine blanket that I could wrap you up in.

  2. I am glad you continue to post your feelings. I want to be able to put these long distance arms around you and let you know I am aware of the nightmare you are struggling through and how very much I care. After my mother's unexplained death when I was much, much younger,which does not compare the depth of your loss, my dreams became very real and telling too. A few "that when I 'waked I cried to sleep again." (Can't say it better than Shakespeare.) Many were just troubling in their own right. I think you are wise recognizing that looking at them is an important part of the process. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Austin daily and will continue to be.

  3. Linds-caught up on the blog, such raw emotions and honesty. So brave of you to openly share, theraputic hopefully. And I know there are people out there reading and relating, drawing comfort from your words that they are not alone in grief and pain. Love you, hope you have a marvelous birthday-February girl. Would love to see you on that next trip home in march!

  4. Lindsey, I know how hard those dreams must be for you. when my dad died, I had those dreams all the time. At first I would try and convince everyone that Dad was alive, but my dad would always look at me and tell me it's ok when I couldn't convince them. As hard as these dreams were, they gave me a chance to hug my Dad like I didn't get to before he died. I still have these dreams on occasion- even 10 years later. As emotional as they are, I now feel good about having them and knowing my heart and mind still remember my dad so perfectly and still miss him. I hope one day your dreams will be positive in some way for you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you and good luck on thursday.

  5. Lindsey,you are going to hear alot of stories about dreams from people that are now in heaven. I have many about my dear Mother. There is one that my grandmother told me about her mother that I will never forget. She kept having the dream of her mother coming to see her at night. Finally her mother told her to let her go so she could be happy in heaven. She had to keep coming back to check on my Grandmother - the last night she came she held her hand and told her, she was HOLD, once again without pain and to please let go so she could be with GOD. If my grandmother were living today she would tell you this was not a dream, but very true.

    As far as the support group, go and do what feels good for you, cry, laugh, pray and talk. I know it will be good for you.

    Remember who loves you.

  6. Still praying for you alot Lindsey! I can't wait to see how cute you make Drew's baby book! :)