Sunday, January 13, 2013


I've been off for the past two days and I've squeezed every baby snuggling minute of fun with T into it that I could. He's so much fun right now. He's into everything...loves his racetrack toy, loves playing with/terrorizing the dog, loves to push his limits. He's such a happy boy, always ready with a smile and a quick hug. I am so very lucky and I know it. Too well. One of the things I hate most about losing a child is the inability to just simply have these feelings about your living child without feeling the stabbing pain of the absence of them with your dead child. I don't know who Andrew is, I don't know what he'd love, how mischevious he'd be. I've had the most wonderful weekend, but tonight, as always, the sadness comes. It hits me like a brick and I can't do anything but curl up and take it. I don't know when it will stop. Will I always feel this way? In 10 years, will I be curled up on the bed crying after the most wonderful weekend with my 11 year old? Sad for what I don't have and sobered for how lucky I feel to have Thomas to love. I'm not a blogger. I am sad momma who comes here to find some semblance of peace and acceptance. I always find it by reading blogs of women I've come to think of as friends. Friends who I'll never meet, but somehow will always know me in a way that no one else will. I wish I could have a weekend like this with you, bitty boy. Momma loves you.