Friday, February 12, 2010

What a club

I stopped by a friend's house this evening after work. Her mother is in the ICU fighting lung cancer and things look pretty bleak. They are super close and my friend is obviously devastated. She is feeling many of the same emotions I felt a few weeks ago during our stay in the NICU. I am glad that I was able to offer some "comfort" in the form of empathy. I feel like the president of the depression/anger club right now. While I am thankful that I can help someone through their situation, I am angry again that I am even in this position to begin with. It sucks to tell someone that there is really no way to help in this situation. I am sure it gets better, but a loss like this will never go away. Whether it is a mom or a son that is lost, there will still always be an empty seat. I always knew I wanted to be a parent but I couldn't have imagined the intense connection that you have with your child. Andrew's little body was alive in mine. His heart beat when mine did. I grew the sweetest, fattest little 8 lb 10 oz baby boy anyone has ever seen. He is the best thing I have ever done in my life.

My sweet Andrew's life was too short. I grieve so hard for the "what could have beens." Would he have looked just like his Daddy always or would he have looked like me when he smiled? What would his favorite color have been? I won't ever go to his school plays or cheer for him on the sidelines. He'll never have a girlfriend or a best friend. I won't see him graduate or get married. I feel so sorry for him...bless his heart...he never had a chance. I hope he knows how deeply he is loved and how desperately he was wanted. I prayed for years for a child and my prayers were answered. I wish I could have had him for longer but I feel grateful that I had him at all. My heart breaks for the future I will never know. My life has been irreversibly altered and my heart and spirit will never be the same. And I don't want them to be the same. I am terrified of forgetting his face or the feel of his soft skin. I am angry that I have to be this sad for the rest of forever but I hold on to this deep sadness because it keeps me connected to him. I always want this to be raw because I feel like I will really be letting him go if it starts to heal.

Andrew, baby, I hope I make you proud. I want to live a full life because you couldn't. You have my heart and you always will. Sweet sweet boy.


  1. Sweet sweet little baby. And his sweet old momma. I love y'all.

  2. hey Lindsay...I do not know you personally, but you are never far from my mind and heart. praying for you often and thinking about you a sorry for the pain you're feeling.

  3. Okay, so this is the first time I read your blog and I boohooed! I cannot imagine what you are going through. I do, however, believe in my heart and soul that God has good days planned in your future. Probably lots and lots of them.

    You said something that I really connected with. Do they know how loved they are? We have so much love for out little bitties, but do they know it? Can they feel it? God, I hope so! The deserve to know how much we love them.