Sunday, May 27, 2012
I find myself back here far more often than I would have thought. My heart is still so sad...I feel so far away, like my Drewbie was a dream. For so long, I felt like he was real...like he was alive in the openness and freshness of my grief. I talked about him, people asked about him. Now...nothing. No one speaks of him much. Not that I fault anyone. I think that's just the way of it. He's gone and he's been gone for quite some while now. I used to feel free to express my sadness openly and now it feels wrong. I come here to write what I don't think anyone still reads. I don't even think I need anyone to read it like I once did. I think I'm glad I still need to come here, need to read other's stories. I think a part of me will always live in those 13 days and the few months that followed when my every thought was consumed with Andrew's death. I'll be this hidden Lindsey that I will continue to feed by coming here. I may not write as often as I used to, but I still come here every EVERY day to read. I read old blogs I wrote, I read other mommas' stories. I think of those whose stories and babes helped me feel less crazy and like I belonged somewhere. A part of my heart will always live here in this spot that is only mine and my Drewbie's. It may only make sense to me, but I feel like we are together here...like I am his momma here. Good night, baby angel...I hope you feel my love.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Mother's Day is tomorrow. People look at me and smile and say, "Oh, how sweet...your first Mother's Day!" I smile and nod and gush about how I think that is just the sweetest thing too. But I want to yell and tell them how it is not sweet, it is not my first. My sweetest oldest is invisible to the the world...forgotten or unknown to most. He is the reason I am a mother. His precious 8lb 10oz soul made me one two short years ago. I hate that I have to pretend that he never was...it makes my skin crawl...makes me sick to my core. What mother should ever have to dismiss her child's very existence? I do and it makes me so so angry. The people who count in my life will remember him and give me an extra squeeze tomorrow, but I am realizing more than ever that the world doesn't want to know about Andrew. There isn't room in polite society for dead babies. No one wants to hear such a sad story. I know my place and I rarely rarely bring him up to people who don't know (hence the smiling, nodding, gushing) but sometime it just makes me angry. Sweet, oldest baby...thank you for being my boy. Thank you for staying with me for as long as you could. Thank you for still hanging around in my dreams. Your soul is forever wrapped up in mine and I'll never never forget you. Even when I say for the thousandth time that Thomas is my first...you and I know different and I know you wouldn't mind my lie. I love you bitty boy.