Sunday, February 26, 2012

Sweet blessings

My sister invited Thomas and I over for dinner tonight. We played and had fun laying on a pallet outside in the sun while Corinne and the kids raked leaves. Supper time came and we held hands for the blessing. Charles prayed first and thanked God for the meal that his momma cooked and for the great time they'd had this weekend. Lulu prayed next and prayed for the people in the war, especially her daddy. Then she prayed for Baby Andrew, asking God to please take care of him up there and to ask him to always watch over his little brother. I don't know what any of us have done to deserve these two wonderful people in our lives. They are so genuine, caring, thoughtful, and full of honest love. I'm so blessed that they love me and that I can be their aunt. My sweet little Thomas is so lucky to have them to look up to and learn from. I can only hope he turns out just like them.

Sweetest Andrew, I hope you heard Elise. I hope you know how much we miss you and wish you were here. I hope you can watch over your sweet little brother and can protect him from whatever is out there that could harm him. I couldn't bear losing you both. I was holding him tonight, after we got home from Corinne's, rocking him to sleep. He looks EXACTLY like you when he sleeps. I just started crying, thinking how lucky I am to have lucky I was to have you, no matter how long. Love you bitty boy.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

where I am now

February 1, far away from December 6, 2009 and December 19, 2009. My days are filled with pointy tongued smiles and slobber. My sweet babe is teething and smiling and laughing. He's even sweet when his teeth are bothering him. I feel so grateful and aware of what I have. I can't look at Thomas without this intense rush of thankfulness. He has no idea how healing he is for me. He has such a kind nature, so quietly sweet and smart. I love being his momma, love taking care of him. Austin and I have settled into a very comfortable routine with Thomas...things are easy here in our house. It is filled with a quiet warmth. I am so aware of it after having gone so long with a house filled with desperate sadness. I won't say that it isn't sad sometimes. I still cry very often about Andrew. I still miss him with every ounce of my being, but I have made room for happy. I kind of feel a little bit like I've re-entered "normal."

I kind of don't know what type of space this is for me anymore. I'm a very visual person and I've always had a picture in my mind of what my blog "space" looked like. I don't know what that is anymore. I try to come here to write simply about Thomas and our daily life, but I'm unable. This is Andrew's home and I don't need to force it to become something else. I can't come here and not make it about him. I guess that's okay since this has always been his place.

So, here I am. February 1, 2012 and I still need this place for Andrew. I may not come here as often as I once did and I think that's okay. But I'll always come, if not to write, to read. To wallow, to cry, to heal. Love you bitty boy.