Monday, June 28, 2010

My friend Sam came down from Idaho to visit for the first time since Andrew died. We visited over lunch and I was able to talk about parts of Andrew's birth and life and death that I hadn't talked about in such a long time. I remember when she moved last year, we were excited about her trip back this June. We talked about how little Drew would get to meet his Mimi Sam. Such a different life. When I was talking with her today, I almost felt like she got to meet him through my stories. She has been all to pieces since she wasn't able to be with me when we were in the hospital. She has no idea how much she helped today. Thanks sweet Sam for loving me and bitty boy so much. He would have loved you right back.

My life is one big ball of stress and change right now. I quit my job two weeks ago to open a store with my sister and her husband. I'm beyond excited about it, but its stressful nonetheless. I've never dealt with change very well so this is taxing to say the least. I'm also dealing with the empty babybelly situation. I want to be pregnant NOW and my body is of course not cooperating. I have a couple of things that I am trying hard to control to help myself out, but I don't feel super positive about it. But, I don't feel super positive about most things these days. I guess losing a child will do that to you.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Happy 6 months old

Happy 6 months to the most beautiful boy I've ever known. I'm not sure how I feel today...or most days for that matter. I have wanted to blog several times but I have gotten on here and not known what to write about. Its just more of the same sad story and endless emptiness. I feel numb, I guess is the best way to say it. And that almost makes me sadder than anything. I'm resigned to this life without Andrew...a life full of "birthdays" each one taking me farther and farther away. We should be doing today up big...maybe a little cake for me and extra helping of milk for the Drewbie. I'm sure there would have been a present or two. Or maybe there wouldn't have been. Maybe we would have been more unaware of this day since we would have been so busy actually raising our son. I'm hyper aware of the big he would have been 6 months 13 days he will have been dead for 6 months. It seems like a lifetime ago.

My thoughts are still consumed by the "would haves" and "should haves." Customers at work with their babies who I assume are older than Drew and therefore are "safe" babies to talk to are now turning out to be younger than him. To me, he is still a newborn and to see such big babies who are actually younger than him makes me sad. I wish I knew his 6 month old face and hands and chunky thighs. my sweet boy. Momma is so proud to be your momma. Even though you aren't here today, my heart feels complete because you once were. I am sending all the love I can muster your way today precious. I pray that somehow you can feel it and know how very much I miss you. Love, Momma