Wednesday, April 28, 2010

sweet friends

I went to a wine tasting tonight with my sweet friends. I was an hour late because I had a stressful STRESSFUL day at work today. I got there as the fourth course was being served and the sweet man at Ravine told me he would catch me up. He put four much needed glasses of wine in front of me paired with four wonderful courses of food. We stayed for a few hours and ate tapas and drank wine. We missed Austin and so wished he was there. My sweet wonderful friend Chris toasted my Drewbie. What a lucky girl I am to have such amazing friends.

I am leaving for NYC on Friday for a weekend trip with my sister and momma. I need a getaway so badly and I am looking forward to spending it with Corinne and momma. I hope I do okay. Lately, I do worse on days that are supposed to be fun days. I always think, "Drew should be here to do this with me." I wonder if I'll ever stop thinking that? I kinda hope I don't.

Sweetest Drew. I hope you didn't hurt...I hope you were peaceful and warm. I hope you felt your momma's love and protection. I go over and over in my head and hope I made the right decisions for you. You are all I ever wanted and I am so blessed to have held and loved you. Thanks for letting me be your momma.

Monday, April 19, 2010

can't sleep

Austin is gone and I am having trouble falling asleep. I had a really bad dream last night and I was trying to have peaceful thoughts when I laid down tonight to help me not have bad dreams again. I immediately thought of a moment the day after Drew was born. I slept in a chair in Andrew's NICU room the night after he was born. I didn't sleep much that night and I remember waking several times and always looking at his monitor to make sure his numbers were good. I could see his little knees and his sweet little head in his cool cap. Thank you to whoever put a fold-out chair in the NICU. I wish I had spent more nights in the room with him.

Taking a trip down memory lane...

*We had a meeting with all of the doctors at LeBonheur on Wednesday December 16th. I remember meeting Dr. Cunningham first. She was the Palliative Care doctor (sorta like baby hospice). I had on my Cape Cod shirt from Old Navy and she wondered if I had been to Cape Cod since she was from Massachusetts. Austin and I both felt more overwhelmed than we had ever felt in our lives. There was so much brain power in that room and they all had the same thing to tell us...our son wasn't going to get better. In fact, it was going to get much worse. Dr. Shah, the sweet soft-spoken neurologist, told us about Andrew's seizures. They were called myoclonus and looked like little tiny jerks...kinda like how your hand might jerk suddenly when you are falling asleep. Dr. Krishnan, the neonatologist, told us that his brain function looked severely suppressed. Dr. Cunningham told us that they would make sure he was comfortable. In those thirty minutes, Austin and I faced the unthinkable...our son wasn't going to make it. It was now time for us to be his advocates. We issued the DNR order and left the room.

*That same night, we went to eat at Huey's. I was so angry that the world was going on normally. I wanted to scream at everyone in the room, "how can you sit there and eat? How can you have mindless conversation when my baby is in the hospital dying?" I have never wanted to jump out of my own skin so badly.

I wish I could go back and live the whole thing over again. I would only do a few things differently. Mostly small things like staying with him longer, washing his hair, holding him more. Those thirteen days were exhausting and so terribly sad, but oh, how I wish I could relive those days over and over again.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Andrew 365

Tomorrow will be exactly one year. One year ago to the day that I found out about my Andrew. I was already 8 weeks along when I took the test. I have so many emotions. I remember that day so so clearly. I took the test around 9:50 am right before I opened the doors at work. I called Corinne and Momma and Daddy. I tried to wait to tell Austin in person, but I caved and called him. I remember eating lunch with him that day...we just sort of stared at each other in amazement. What a, it was great. We danced through those early days, so excited and fresh and renewed.

How different I am a year later. I feel so much older and so worn down. My face looks drawn. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror at work alot and I don't even look like myself. It was really hard faking it today. I do a good job most days...I almost (almost) start to believe that I am doing great most days. I cried all during my lunch break and most of the way home. I am so angry and tired and sad. My life was supposed to be different and full of so many other things. I am tired of being the sad one and they girl who has to be handled with kid gloves. I want to go back and do anything to make this different, but I can't. All I can do is cry and remember all that I did have.

I miss my husband...Alot. He is in Jackson for the next few weeks training for his new job. He makes me feel normal. Without him, I feel like a deadbabymomma alot more than usual.

Our good friends had their baby boy tonight. His middle name is Andrew after his grandfather. I am happy for them, but dreadfully sad all at the same time. How can things be so easy for so many other people and so hard for us? Why did the lightning strike us? I feel like a bad person for feeling sick and sad at such a joyous time for our friends. They are truly wonderfully sweet people who are going to be unbelievable parents. But I bet I would have been too.