My friend Sam came down from Idaho to visit for the first time since Andrew died. We visited over lunch and I was able to talk about parts of Andrew's birth and life and death that I hadn't talked about in such a long time. I remember when she moved last year, we were excited about her trip back this June. We talked about how little Drew would get to meet his Mimi Sam. Such a different life. When I was talking with her today, I almost felt like she got to meet him through my stories. She has been all to pieces since she wasn't able to be with me when we were in the hospital. She has no idea how much she helped today. Thanks sweet Sam for loving me and bitty boy so much. He would have loved you right back.

My life is one big ball of stress and change right now. I quit my job two weeks ago to open a store with my sister and her husband. I'm beyond excited about it, but its stressful nonetheless. I've never dealt with change very well so this is taxing to say the least. I'm also dealing with the empty babybelly situation. I want to be pregnant NOW and my body is of course not cooperating. I have a couple of things that I am trying hard to control to help myself out, but I don't feel super positive about it. But, I don't feel super positive about most things these days. I guess losing a child will do that to you.

Happy 6 months old

Happy 6 months to the most beautiful boy I've ever known. I'm not sure how I feel today...or most days for that matter. I have wanted to blog several times but I have gotten on here and not known what to write about. Its just more of the same sad story and endless emptiness. I feel numb, I guess is the best way to say it. And that almost makes me sadder than anything. I'm resigned to this life without Andrew...a life full of "birthdays" each one taking me farther and farther away. We should be doing today up big...maybe a little cake for me and Daddy...an extra helping of milk for the Drewbie. I'm sure there would have been a present or two. Or maybe there wouldn't have been. Maybe we would have been more unaware of this day since we would have been so busy actually raising our son. I'm hyper aware of the big days...today he would have been 6 months old...in 13 days he will have been dead for 6 months. It seems like a lifetime ago.

My thoughts are still consumed by the "would haves" and "should haves." Customers at work with their babies who I assume are older than Drew and therefore are "safe" babies to talk to are now turning out to be younger than him. To me, he is still a newborn and to see such big babies who are actually younger than him makes me sad. I wish I knew his 6 month old face and hands and chunky thighs.

Anyway...to my sweet boy. Momma is so proud to be your momma. Even though you aren't here today, my heart feels complete because you once were. I am sending all the love I can muster your way today precious. I pray that somehow you can feel it and know how very much I miss you. Love, Momma

Happy Mother's Day

Today should be a much different day. I imagined this morning waking up a sleepy boy and saying, "Happy Mother's Day, Momma!" I bet he would have smiled at me and noozled my neck. BUT...in honor of my boy, who'd want me to be happy, I'm going to try my hardest to make this a happy day. It should be..I am his Momma and he is safe and I am loved.

To my Momma: Thanks for crying when Corinne and I fought, for having the softest heart I've ever known, for dancing without care in NYC, for messing up little sayings, for loving my Daddy, for always fixing us breakfast, for buying me new clothes when Brad Hawthorne broke my heart, for leaving silly notes in our lunchbox, for thinking I was still precious during the "its my job its what I do" years, for constantly rubbing little Drew's face in the NICU, for helping me in so many ways while he was sick...all of the millions of seemingly insignificant things you have done for me without question. They have all added up to make such a giant difference in my life. I couldn't hope for better. I love you Momma.

Give your momma a squeeze today. If you can't, give some other deserving momma one. I now know what this momma love thing is about and its powerful business.

Love you my Drewbie...I'll make you proud this Mother's Day.

breaking my heart

I was wondering when it was coming...I've been too okay lately. I haven't cried much over the past week or so. Maybe I was so preoccupied with New York and Austin coming home that I pushed it all back. Corinne, Kent, Charles and Elise came over this evening to welcome Austin home. When they were about to leave, Elise wanted to go into Andrew's room. We went in there and she played with the little dinosaur they gave him before he was born. She looked at the porcelain mold of his feet...I let her hold them because she said, "I promise not to drop them." She asked me if they took his feet off and put them in there. I explained how they made the mold of his feet and she wondered if it hurt and asked if he cried. I wish he would have cried. Then she asked me "What was he like?" I talked to her about him a little and we looked at his scrapbook. Then she said, "I wanted to give him a kiss on his arm but they said I was too little." What were we thinking not letting her see him more? We let Charles go back in his room but we didn't let her. I am so upset with myself for not letting her. She was as excited about him as anyone was and we didn't let her really meet him.

There are no do-overs and we all have to live with the decisions we made. I wonder if that is what makes me so sad and angry. My precious niece has to wonder what he is like instead of just knowing because he is here. But he isn't here and I have to look at her and tell her how sorry I am that she didn't really get to know him. I wanted to burst into tears and hold her tight and tell her that we made a really bad decision in not letting her meet him. But I can't cry in front of her because I'm the adult and have to be strong for them. My heart breaks for them...what must they think...how do they process it? I know I am probably over-thinking it and worrying too much. Elise is probably sleeping soundly in her little bed...all sadness a million miles away. I, on the other hand, am crying on the couch for my sweet niece and nephew...grieving for a little boy they'll never know.

Sunday is gonna be no fun at all. I want to take a match to the Mother's Day card displays at Walmart. I'm not going to so don't worry...I'm just pissy and sad tonight. I'm sending up special prayers for all of my momma friends who can't be with their precious babies this year. So many of us are fresh on this babylost road and I hope they are surrounded by love and comfort like I am.

sweet friends

I went to a wine tasting tonight with my sweet friends. I was an hour late because I had a stressful STRESSFUL day at work today. I got there as the fourth course was being served and the sweet man at Ravine told me he would catch me up. He put four much needed glasses of wine in front of me paired with four wonderful courses of food. We stayed for a few hours and ate tapas and drank wine. We missed Austin and so wished he was there. My sweet wonderful friend Chris toasted my Drewbie. What a lucky girl I am to have such amazing friends.

I am leaving for NYC on Friday for a weekend trip with my sister and momma. I need a getaway so badly and I am looking forward to spending it with Corinne and momma. I hope I do okay. Lately, I do worse on days that are supposed to be fun days. I always think, "Drew should be here to do this with me." I wonder if I'll ever stop thinking that? I kinda hope I don't.

Sweetest Drew. I hope you didn't hurt...I hope you were peaceful and warm. I hope you felt your momma's love and protection. I go over and over in my head and hope I made the right decisions for you. You are all I ever wanted and I am so blessed to have held and loved you. Thanks for letting me be your momma.

can't sleep

Austin is gone and I am having trouble falling asleep. I had a really bad dream last night and I was trying to have peaceful thoughts when I laid down tonight to help me not have bad dreams again. I immediately thought of a moment the day after Drew was born. I slept in a chair in Andrew's NICU room the night after he was born. I didn't sleep much that night and I remember waking several times and always looking at his monitor to make sure his numbers were good. I could see his little knees and his sweet little head in his cool cap. Thank you to whoever put a fold-out chair in the NICU. I wish I had spent more nights in the room with him.

Taking a trip down memory lane...

*We had a meeting with all of the doctors at LeBonheur on Wednesday December 16th. I remember meeting Dr. Cunningham first. She was the Palliative Care doctor (sorta like baby hospice). I had on my Cape Cod shirt from Old Navy and she wondered if I had been to Cape Cod since she was from Massachusetts. Austin and I both felt more overwhelmed than we had ever felt in our lives. There was so much brain power in that room and they all had the same thing to tell us...our son wasn't going to get better. In fact, it was going to get much worse. Dr. Shah, the sweet soft-spoken neurologist, told us about Andrew's seizures. They were called myoclonus and looked like little tiny jerks...kinda like how your hand might jerk suddenly when you are falling asleep. Dr. Krishnan, the neonatologist, told us that his brain function looked severely suppressed. Dr. Cunningham told us that they would make sure he was comfortable. In those thirty minutes, Austin and I faced the unthinkable...our son wasn't going to make it. It was now time for us to be his advocates. We issued the DNR order and left the room.

*That same night, we went to eat at Huey's. I was so angry that the world was going on normally. I wanted to scream at everyone in the room, "how can you sit there and eat? How can you have mindless conversation when my baby is in the hospital dying?" I have never wanted to jump out of my own skin so badly.

I wish I could go back and live the whole thing over again. I would only do a few things differently. Mostly small things like staying with him longer, washing his hair, holding him more. Those thirteen days were exhausting and so terribly sad, but oh, how I wish I could relive those days over and over again.

Andrew 365

Tomorrow will be exactly one year. One year ago to the day that I found out about my Andrew. I was already 8 weeks along when I took the test. I have so many emotions. I remember that day so so clearly. I took the test around 9:50 am right before I opened the doors at work. I called Corinne and Momma and Daddy. I tried to wait to tell Austin in person, but I caved and called him. I remember eating lunch with him that day...we just sort of stared at each other in amazement. What a feeling...man, it was great. We danced through those early days, so excited and fresh and renewed.

How different I am a year later. I feel so much older and so worn down. My face looks drawn. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror at work alot and I don't even look like myself. It was really hard faking it today. I do a good job most days...I almost (almost) start to believe that I am doing great most days. I cried all during my lunch break and most of the way home. I am so angry and tired and sad. My life was supposed to be different and full of so many other things. I am tired of being the sad one and they girl who has to be handled with kid gloves. I want to go back and do anything to make this different, but I can't. All I can do is cry and remember all that I did have.

I miss my husband...Alot. He is in Jackson for the next few weeks training for his new job. He makes me feel normal. Without him, I feel like a deadbabymomma alot more than usual.

Our good friends had their baby boy tonight. His middle name is Andrew after his grandfather. I am happy for them, but dreadfully sad all at the same time. How can things be so easy for so many other people and so hard for us? Why did the lightning strike us? I feel like a bad person for feeling sick and sad at such a joyous time for our friends. They are truly wonderfully sweet people who are going to be unbelievable parents. But I bet I would have been too.