Friday, May 7, 2010

breaking my heart

I was wondering when it was coming...I've been too okay lately. I haven't cried much over the past week or so. Maybe I was so preoccupied with New York and Austin coming home that I pushed it all back. Corinne, Kent, Charles and Elise came over this evening to welcome Austin home. When they were about to leave, Elise wanted to go into Andrew's room. We went in there and she played with the little dinosaur they gave him before he was born. She looked at the porcelain mold of his feet...I let her hold them because she said, "I promise not to drop them." She asked me if they took his feet off and put them in there. I explained how they made the mold of his feet and she wondered if it hurt and asked if he cried. I wish he would have cried. Then she asked me "What was he like?" I talked to her about him a little and we looked at his scrapbook. Then she said, "I wanted to give him a kiss on his arm but they said I was too little." What were we thinking not letting her see him more? We let Charles go back in his room but we didn't let her. I am so upset with myself for not letting her. She was as excited about him as anyone was and we didn't let her really meet him.

There are no do-overs and we all have to live with the decisions we made. I wonder if that is what makes me so sad and angry. My precious niece has to wonder what he is like instead of just knowing because he is here. But he isn't here and I have to look at her and tell her how sorry I am that she didn't really get to know him. I wanted to burst into tears and hold her tight and tell her that we made a really bad decision in not letting her meet him. But I can't cry in front of her because I'm the adult and have to be strong for them. My heart breaks for them...what must they do they process it? I know I am probably over-thinking it and worrying too much. Elise is probably sleeping soundly in her little bed...all sadness a million miles away. I, on the other hand, am crying on the couch for my sweet niece and nephew...grieving for a little boy they'll never know.

Sunday is gonna be no fun at all. I want to take a match to the Mother's Day card displays at Walmart. I'm not going to so don't worry...I'm just pissy and sad tonight. I'm sending up special prayers for all of my momma friends who can't be with their precious babies this year. So many of us are fresh on this babylost road and I hope they are surrounded by love and comfort like I am.


  1. I'm sorry my offspring made you cry about your offspring.

  2. Oh Lindsey, there are a million "should haves" that I play in my mind on a regular basis. But I know deep down that I'm not angry about what I did or didn't do during the week Addison was here--I'm angry she's not still here. I think, for me, it's just that simple. Tonight Calvin kissed Addison's name tattoed on his daddy's arm and said, "I wish I could give Baby Addie a kiss." How can something warm and break my heart all at once? I wish you had your sweet Andrew here and tomorrow would be the most beautiful day--not the most dreaded day. But even though you're a mom now and forever, I'll happily be your accomplice and bring some lighter fluid to burn down everything Mother's Day. I hope tomorrow goes by quickly.