Tomorrow will be exactly one year. One year ago to the day that I found out about my Andrew. I was already 8 weeks along when I took the test. I have so many emotions. I remember that day so so clearly. I took the test around 9:50 am right before I opened the doors at work. I called Corinne and Momma and Daddy. I tried to wait to tell Austin in person, but I caved and called him. I remember eating lunch with him that day...we just sort of stared at each other in amazement. What a feeling...man, it was great. We danced through those early days, so excited and fresh and renewed.
How different I am a year later. I feel so much older and so worn down. My face looks drawn. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror at work alot and I don't even look like myself. It was really hard faking it today. I do a good job most days...I almost (almost) start to believe that I am doing great most days. I cried all during my lunch break and most of the way home. I am so angry and tired and sad. My life was supposed to be different and full of so many other things. I am tired of being the sad one and they girl who has to be handled with kid gloves. I want to go back and do anything to make this different, but I can't. All I can do is cry and remember all that I did have.
I miss my husband...Alot. He is in Jackson for the next few weeks training for his new job. He makes me feel normal. Without him, I feel like a deadbabymomma alot more than usual.
Our good friends had their baby boy tonight. His middle name is Andrew after his grandfather. I am happy for them, but dreadfully sad all at the same time. How can things be so easy for so many other people and so hard for us? Why did the lightning strike us? I feel like a bad person for feeling sick and sad at such a joyous time for our friends. They are truly wonderfully sweet people who are going to be unbelievable parents. But I bet I would have been too.