Tomorrow will be exactly one year. One year ago to the day that I found out about my Andrew. I was already 8 weeks along when I took the test. I have so many emotions. I remember that day so so clearly. I took the test around 9:50 am right before I opened the doors at work. I called Corinne and Momma and Daddy. I tried to wait to tell Austin in person, but I caved and called him. I remember eating lunch with him that day...we just sort of stared at each other in amazement. What a feeling...man, it was great. We danced through those early days, so excited and fresh and renewed.
How different I am a year later. I feel so much older and so worn down. My face looks drawn. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror at work alot and I don't even look like myself. It was really hard faking it today. I do a good job most days...I almost (almost) start to believe that I am doing great most days. I cried all during my lunch break and most of the way home. I am so angry and tired and sad. My life was supposed to be different and full of so many other things. I am tired of being the sad one and they girl who has to be handled with kid gloves. I want to go back and do anything to make this different, but I can't. All I can do is cry and remember all that I did have.
I miss my husband...Alot. He is in Jackson for the next few weeks training for his new job. He makes me feel normal. Without him, I feel like a deadbabymomma alot more than usual.
Our good friends had their baby boy tonight. His middle name is Andrew after his grandfather. I am happy for them, but dreadfully sad all at the same time. How can things be so easy for so many other people and so hard for us? Why did the lightning strike us? I feel like a bad person for feeling sick and sad at such a joyous time for our friends. They are truly wonderfully sweet people who are going to be unbelievable parents. But I bet I would have been too.
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I'm so sad that tomorrow isn't the same happy day that it was for you last year. I'm sorry that you are here on the year since you knew him without him.
ReplyDeleteNot "would have been" - "are" and "will be"!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you often,
Andrea
Lindsey, I'm so sorry you are hear without Andrew!! It hurts to see you so unhappy all the time, and knowing there is absolutely nothing I can do to make it better. However, I must agree with Andrea, just because he is not here in the flesh, doesn't mean you are not a Mother. You are an outstanding Mamma (always doing things to keep Andrew's memory alive), and you will be again. Don't ever give up or doubt yourself, even in your hardest days. I believe in you, and know that you are one of the greatest people I have had the pleasure of knowing. With all my Love!!!!
ReplyDeleteThis just sucks so bad. Any words of comfort I can think of sound trite. Your post made me pull out my phone and look at the picture I took the day I got my positive test for Addison. I went to CVS on my lunch break and peed on the stick in the bathroom there. I took a picture of the positive test with my phone and texted it to my husband and my sister. 3/19/09 at 12:17pm. That memory was supposed to be the start of something incredible--not horrible. The whole thing is shitty and sad and SO SO wrong.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your good friends who just had a son....please be gentle with yourself. My good friend is likely going to be induced this coming Sunday. Thankfully she is having a boy. I have told her many times how [selfishly] grateful I am that she's having a boy and not a girl. It would just be too close for comfort. So don't pressure yourself, be good to yourself, don't guilt trip yourself. I actually broke down in tears a few weeks ago when a friend of the family showed up unexpectedly to a family member's birthday party with her 8-month-old daughter. It was like getting sucker punched in the gut. I'm not even exaggerating. And then I felt so bad about panicking and running away (and crying) that I had to spend 20 minutes, after I composed myself, talking to the mom about diapers, formula, colic and all the shit I really didn't want to be reminded of. But I still couldn't get near her daughter without getting that panic feeling. So I'm preaching to myself here, too, when I tell you to go easy on yourself. You lost the most precious thing in your life. Don't cause yourself anymore hurt by feeling guilty for your legitimate feelings. I think of you and your family often.
Lindsey, thanks for your comment on my blog. Knowing you're out there gives me a strange sense of comfort. My friend is being induced tomorrow night. She was hoping it would be sooner, but her son will be here before she knows it. I know she tries to be careful with what she says to me, but the slips come frequently because she's SO done being pregnant. I totally get that. But it's still sometimes funny to hear her say stupid things like "c-section is not an option." I wish I was like her again--where the most horrifying thought possible was having a c-section. Life happens and it doesn't read your birth plan. Sadly, we both know a c-section isn't even close to the worst thing that can happen. I'll be thinking about her and her baby Grant tomorrow night. I hope she has a speedy and safe delivery (c-section not included). I hope you have a good week. :-)
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