Happy 6 months to the most beautiful boy I've ever known. I'm not sure how I feel today...or most days for that matter. I have wanted to blog several times but I have gotten on here and not known what to write about. Its just more of the same sad story and endless emptiness. I feel numb, I guess is the best way to say it. And that almost makes me sadder than anything. I'm resigned to this life without Andrew...a life full of "birthdays" each one taking me farther and farther away. We should be doing today up big...maybe a little cake for me and Daddy...an extra helping of milk for the Drewbie. I'm sure there would have been a present or two. Or maybe there wouldn't have been. Maybe we would have been more unaware of this day since we would have been so busy actually raising our son. I'm hyper aware of the big days...today he would have been 6 months old...in 13 days he will have been dead for 6 months. It seems like a lifetime ago.
My thoughts are still consumed by the "would haves" and "should haves." Customers at work with their babies who I assume are older than Drew and therefore are "safe" babies to talk to are now turning out to be younger than him. To me, he is still a newborn and to see such big babies who are actually younger than him makes me sad. I wish I knew his 6 month old face and hands and chunky thighs.
Anyway...to my sweet boy. Momma is so proud to be your momma. Even though you aren't here today, my heart feels complete because you once were. I am sending all the love I can muster your way today precious. I pray that somehow you can feel it and know how very much I miss you. Love, Momma