Sunday nights used to be my favorite...now I dread them. Austin has pretty much always worked on Sunday nights since he's in the restaurant biz. Years ago, when we first got married, Sunday nights were my guaranteed time to be by myself. Not that I don't enjoy his company...it was just MY time. Now, Sundays have morphed into this uncomfortable void where I realize all that I don't have. What I should be doing at almost 30. I should be getting kids ready for the week...making food, cleaning rooms, keeping our family in order. But I don't have any of that to do. I am just here, just me. Sure, I keep myself busy, getting our laundry done and grocery shopping. But its just for us, no one else. I feel so behind...so left behind.
I'm kicking the idea around of going to see a therapist. I think I need a little help dealing right now. The roller coaster is wearing me down. I do have moments of real happiness (though its happiness-post losing Andrew so its most assuredly a different happiness than before) but I always come crashing down hard on the other end. I get mad that I have to look so hard for contentment among the rubble that is this life we have recreated. I don't know though...what could a therapist help me discover that I haven't already on my own? I don't know how someone who hasn't experienced this void and pain could help me deal. I only mention the therapist because I feel myself getting more bitter and less hopeful with each passing day. I'm uber preoccupied with getting pregnant, but for some reason, I am not doing what Dr. Dulaney told me to do to help the process along. Why the self-sabotage? Anyway, I'm reasonably worried about my sanity enough to at least check out a therapist once my insurance kicks in.
Wow, I know I must sound schizophrenic. Last night, I was happy and hopeful and today I am pissy, weepy and bitter. But, as all of the babylost mommas know, such is life without your kiddo. But, very soon, Austin will be home and things will feel a little more right. We'll watch the end of Harry Potter and fall asleep. And in the morning, I'm sure I'll feel a little better.