Sunday, July 11, 2010

here we are again

Sunday nights used to be my I dread them. Austin has pretty much always worked on Sunday nights since he's in the restaurant biz. Years ago, when we first got married, Sunday nights were my guaranteed time to be by myself. Not that I don't enjoy his was just MY time. Now, Sundays have morphed into this uncomfortable void where I realize all that I don't have. What I should be doing at almost 30. I should be getting kids ready for the week...making food, cleaning rooms, keeping our family in order. But I don't have any of that to do. I am just here, just me. Sure, I keep myself busy, getting our laundry done and grocery shopping. But its just for us, no one else. I feel so left behind.

I'm kicking the idea around of going to see a therapist. I think I need a little help dealing right now. The roller coaster is wearing me down. I do have moments of real happiness (though its happiness-post losing Andrew so its most assuredly a different happiness than before) but I always come crashing down hard on the other end. I get mad that I have to look so hard for contentment among the rubble that is this life we have recreated. I don't know though...what could a therapist help me discover that I haven't already on my own? I don't know how someone who hasn't experienced this void and pain could help me deal. I only mention the therapist because I feel myself getting more bitter and less hopeful with each passing day. I'm uber preoccupied with getting pregnant, but for some reason, I am not doing what Dr. Dulaney told me to do to help the process along. Why the self-sabotage? Anyway, I'm reasonably worried about my sanity enough to at least check out a therapist once my insurance kicks in.

Wow, I know I must sound schizophrenic. Last night, I was happy and hopeful and today I am pissy, weepy and bitter. But, as all of the babylost mommas know, such is life without your kiddo. But, very soon, Austin will be home and things will feel a little more right. We'll watch the end of Harry Potter and fall asleep. And in the morning, I'm sure I'll feel a little better.


  1. I would say you're perfectly normal given the traumatic circumstances life has dealt you & as a social worker I truly believe that it can't hurt any of us to pursue a little therapy now & then. Plus if you try it & feel you're not benefiting then you can always stop. I would definitely try to find someone who has dealt with or is sensitive to the issues of infant loss, grief, and/or infertility as you may be able to establish better rapport with them.
    Thinking of you; praying you feel some peace & comfort tonight. I came across this song the other day & love it...I played it multiple times tonight...hope it blesses you,!v=w4gAoozKrMg&feature=related
    Also don't know if you've read I Will Carry You by Angie Smith, but it's a great book...I just started it last night & am already half way through...don't get me wrong I've cried a lot reading it, but I also feel it's helping me to deal with some of my grief in a healthy way.

  2. Hi. If you are seriously considering it, a therapist can be a really good thing. You may not discover anything new, but they can give you many exercises that will help you deal with all the emotions. Just having an outside party listen is also very helpful. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.

  3. The ups and downs sound like grief to me. At least that's how grief is for me after losing my Drew.

    Our grief counseling has been useful for me and my husband (we see the same therapist separately). It helps keep me able to function on a day to day basis. I would definitely consider it once the insurance kicks in. Also keep in mind that you need to find a therapist that is the right fit, so you may need to shop around.

  4. Lindsey, I've been seeing a therapist for a few months (only every other week or so now) and it's been helpful, but sometimes I wish I had picked someone who is more well-versed in the field of grief. I guess I didn't seek a grief counselor specifically because I know that no one issue can be dealt with in a vacuum, and I felt like she was very well-rounded and could help me with any possible relationship upsets or parenting issues down the road. My biggest issue is that I've been fighting the desire to turn inward, and I need help not doing that--mostly because I value my marriage and I know doing that can hurt a marriage. I took a lot of psychology/sociology classes in college (even a class called "Death And Dying," if you can believe it), but it's always good to have an outside person tell you that you're okay, all those crazy thoughts are okay, and you're going to make it through it. This is my first real go at seeing a therapist and I think it has made a difference for me, so I definitely recommend trying it out!