I have no idea why my son died. I'll never know why he died. I tell myself that it was just some lightning strike cord issue...no one's fault, just a freak, random accident. But was it? Did the doctor cut the cord too soon? Doing so can cause massive brain damage in infants, but did that do it? Was it my fault? I go over that question more than any other. What did I do...what did I not do? A mother's very basic job is to ensure the safety of her child...something I couldn't do. I know for a fact that every decision I made was made thinking that I was doing the very best for Andrew. But it could have been wrong. Should we have gone to the hospital on the 1st when I had false labor? Should I have just inherently known something wasn't right? Where was my intuition? If I ever get pregnant again, how am I supposed to trust that I will make the right decisions? I get sick to my stomach thinking of all the times I turned left when I probably should have turned right. I know that thinking these things is pointless...nothing will make it right, nothing will bring my Drew back.
I have come up with a tidy little story that I tell people when they ask what happened. I tell them that there was an apparent cord injury sometime at birth and he suffered massive brain damage as a result that was too severe to overcome. And I guess that's the truth. The unanswered question that remains is what caused it all? It kills me that the only thing I know for certain is that I'll never know for certain. I could very well be the reason my son is dead. Or he could have been harmed by the doctor cutting the cord or by the nurses not responding to my bleeding or by "fill in the blank."
While logically I know that I could be responsible in some way, I also logically know that I cannot hold myself hostage with these thoughts. I love my son more than my own life and know that I could never have knowingly done anything to cause him harm. I just wish I knew what happened and when it happened.
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The unanswered questions stink. Sometimes i am confirmed that we did the best we could with the information of the time and sometimes that doesn't help at all.
ReplyDeleteI hate the unanswered questions - they haunt me. You were the best Mama for Andrew, you loved him and took care of him. It's good you have a story, something to tell people. I'm still trying to develop a quick response.
ReplyDeleteThe WHY is the absolute worst. The docs in my OB group were all terrible, saying shitty things afterwards like, "they blame everything on the cord," and "did the neonatologist tell you anything you could do to prevent this in the future?" I saw my perinatologist afterwards for testing to see if there were any answers, but everything came back as normal. The peri still thinks it was a cord injury--I mean, what else is in there with the baby?? We'll never know exactly what happened, and that scares the crap out of me for the future. But I've let go of a lot of my anger...or maybe it has just slowly left me on its own. I'm on the verge of ordering my hospital records--just to get the whole story from their point of view. The form has been filled out for weeks, but something keeps me from mailing it in. I think I'm nervous I'm going to find something there that will make me angry again. The anger is worse than the sadness for me. Anyway, you're not alone. The not knowing is horrible.
ReplyDeleteUgh, the what's and why's. I also can make myself sick with going back and forth over the decisions I made, and what would have happened if I went left instead of right. It's the worst, never knowing exactly why our babies died. You're an amazing momma to Andrew, and he knows that, and your decisions were made out of your love for him. I don't have much advice here, but I'm in the same boat, and you and Andrew are in my thoughts.
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