crying on the couch

I just got finished ordering Andrew's birth announcements. He was born...it should be announced. I only ordered 12 and they are only going to immediate family, but I am proud of them. They are beautiful and I can't wait for them to get here. I have been crying on the couch for the last hour trying to decide on the perfect quote, the perfect layout and the perfect picture. I think I nailed it. I didn't want Andrew to be the only Mitchell kid without a birth announcement. I'll post a picture when they arrive.

I watched videos last night of Andrew that I had never seen before. Corinne took lots of video of Andrew in all three hospitals. She kept apologizing for not showing them to me before now. She doesn't know how happy I was to see a part of my baby boy that I didn't know existed. I have video of the first time I ever saw him. I have video of the first time I changed his diaper. I feel so blessed to have so many reminders of my son. So many mommas don't have what I have. I have a huge box of pictures to remind me of his life...enough to fill way more than one scrapbook. Some mommas only have one or two fuzzy pictures of their children. Thanks Drewbie for sticking around long enough for some really beautiful memories. I love you.

Spent the night with my Drewbie

I had another Andrew dream last night. This one wasn't so violent or horrible. Still not what one would call a "sweet" dream, but at least I got to hold him and kiss on him. My sister and I both have very vivid, albeit, very strange dreams. When I am dreaming them, all of these very strange things make perfect sense at the time. People who are dead are sort of alive again. They feel so real. I could smell Andrew and feel his skin just the way I did three months ago. I got to change his diaper and bathe him and snuggle him up. I watched him crawl and saw him play with Elise. I felt like a momma again in my dream.

I'm diggin in the dirt today. Feels good to get out in the sunshine and get dirty. I can't help but think that my sweetest boy should be sitting in his bouncy outside in the shade with me. We were great friends and I think he would like watching me garden. I guess he kind of is...I feel him so much more on sunny days. Maybe he has a clearer view from heaven.

send this one back

It's been three months today since our Andrew died. I was remembering this morning something that Austin said to me late one night when we still thought Drew was going to pull through. (My grandfather, who I was very very close to, passed away several years ago. He always called me Suzanne and he was like a second father to me.) Austin said that when Drew was born and almost died, he thought maybe his soul went to heaven for a minute and Papaw saw him and said, "Nope, you gotta send this one back. He's Suzanne's and he can't come yet. Suzanne and AC need him." They did send him back for thirteen of the most wonderful days I have spent on this earth. And I am sure Papaw was waiting on the bench for Andrew when he got there again.

I miss you sweetest boy. Your momma is trying to live without you but its so hard. Have fun with Papaw...I sure did.

bittersweet

I did it...I went to my first baby shower. I hope I didn't bring too many dead baby momma vibes with me. My sweet friends Stephanie and Chad are going to be welcoming little baby Walter sometime next month. She sweetly gave me a free pass not to attend a few weeks ago, but babies are something to celebrate so I went. Several times, I was looking around the room for a quick exit, planning how I could slip out without making too much of a fuss. Several of the people in the room knew about Andrew's death so I am pretty sure it would have been noticed if I had freaked out and left. I remember being Stephanie just a few short months ago...full of baby boy and hope and love. I wish I could have that bright eyed optimism again, sure that everything was going to turn out wonderfully. I look at the world with squinted, doubtful eyes now. What is around the corner that is going to totally wreck me? I let even the smallest things totally derail me now...I dropped a bowl on the floor the other night and as I was cleaning it up, I felt so angry and defeated. My world has been shaken to its very foundation and I don't know how to rebuild, or if I even want to. I am going to quote a blog I read, and I hope my family will excuse me for the language.

"Now, somehow, I have to make this muck into a home. Losing your child is a lesson in how to make Shit Houses. Here's a pile of crap, live in it."

Our once beautiful world now feels like a wrecked, abandoned shell of a place. We of course have each other and our forever loving and constant friends and family. But when I am alone and really start to think about my world, it feels lonely and sad and destroyed without my baby boy. A million sad and awful things run through my head on a daily basis...remembering the Easter outfit Corinne monogrammed for him that he'll never wear...how I'll never hear his laugh or see his smile. But the loudest most clear thought is how desperately incomplete I feel. I was thinking the other day...women are born with every egg they will ever have in their bodies. My four year old niece Elise is carrying around the eggs that will one day become her children. So for as long as I have been alive, I have had my Andrew with me...and now he is gone from me for the first time. (I promise I don't have serious mental problems...I just have a lot of time to think...see where your mind goes in a situation like this.)

But, I move along, day by day, hoping for a brighter future for us. I know one day it will be better. I try to look for positives and I have found a few in Andrew's death. I am now a much more thankful person...thankful for my family, thankful for my healthy, beautiful niece and nephew, thankful for my gracious and strong husband. When the day is nice, I appreciate it a little more. I appreciate the good days and I appreciate the hell out of a good glass of wine. I have moments where I feel totally defeated and bruised (see above paragraph) but I generally come out of it feeling just a little better each time.

h.o.p.e.

cautious hope at best, but hope nonetheless...

Austin and I had our appointment with Dr. Dulaney in Memphis today. We left the house right on time, swinging by Corinne's first and then Chick Fil A for breakfast. It felt kinda like old Wednesdays (clinic days when I was preggers) so we were both in a good, self-absorbed baby bubble. We were almost to Batesville when Austin realized that we were supposed to get gas before we left Oxford...sputter sputter sputter. We ran out of gas 4 miles from Batesville. Austin and I are the Black Death. If something bad is going to happen, its gonna happen to us. So, we called the ever-reliable Corinne and she brought us some gas. I called the doctor's office and told them we were gonna be late and they amazingly said "No problem!" So after sitting on the side of Hwy 6 for 30 minutes, we were back on our way. Thanks Corinne for saving us...we owe you one.

The visit to the doctor went very well. I was a little apprehensive about the whole doctor thing. I am so used to the sweet, cozy private clinic we went to with our midwives. But the vibe inside Dr. Dulaney's office was good from the very start. We waited for about 5 minutes before they called us back for our visit and we weren't herded around into different waiting rooms like our doctor experience in Oxford. Dr. Dulaney came right into the room and immediately put us at ease. She asked lots of questions and explained my infertility problems to me better than anyone ever has before. I feel like I have a really good grasp on what I need to do to get pregnant again quickly. I also voiced my concerns to her regarding my desire to have a natural birth again. She said that her first priority was to keep us all safe, but saw no reason why I couldn't do this naturally again. So all in all...huge success! I feel a little hopeful tonight. Austin and I talked about our Drew all day today and we both feel like he was smiling down on his parents today. I think he is happy that we are trying to give him a little brother or sister. I also think he is proud that we are moving forward a little...not moving past him...just forward.

I got the coolest new toy today...a Quickutz Silhouette die cutting machine for scrapbooking. I have already made a few things with it since we got home. Stephanie, if you are reading this, you have a super cute baby card coming your way! It is the neatest thing and I am feeling super crafty and decoraty! I am making good progress on Drewbie's scrapbook. I will eventually post pictures of it all, but I haven't gotten around to it.

Thanks to all of my sweet friends and family who prayed for us today. Austin and I feel really loved up and I know it is from all of the good thoughts and prayers sent to us everyday.

You lucky girl

I am re-reading one of my favorite books. I haven't read it in several years so it feels new to me all over again...especially since I am a mother now. It is called "The Red Tent" and it is a must read for every woman. It tells the story of Dinah and her four "mothers." I won't summarize it...just read it. One quote in particular seems so true of my life right now. One of the main character is giving birth with her sisters surrounding her and her midwife says this:

"You lucky girl," Inna said to Leah, who by then did not feel the least bit lucky. "Look at the royal throne of sisters you have."

My "sisters" know who they are. My actual sister, Corinne, is obviously included. I am smack dab in the middle of a major shitstorm and I am surrounded by this royal throne of sisters. They do everything but braid my hair every time I am near them and I am pretty sure they would do that if I would let them. I am in awe of the deep love that my girls have shown me. I feel so comfortable and snuggled up by these sweet, tenderhearted friends who don't even have to care but do anyway. They let me talk and talk and talk about Drew and life after him and they never seem annoyed by my complete self absorbtion. (I don't think that's a word.) They don't expect me to be the same woman I was before my son and I don't have to pretend to be. I am completely me around these women and I don't know if they realize how blessed I feel to know them. Thank you ladies for your friendship and love . It is truly appreciated.

In other news, half of our best friendy couple is leaving tomorrow for almost a year. He is in the Coast Guard and is being deployed overseas. He will be on the coast for several months before he actually ships out, but he will be much farther than just across the street. I hope we can love his sweet wife up enough while he is gone. She is somewhat of a needy sort (love you snoop) so we will need to take good care of her while he is gone. Pray for them over the next year...it's gonna be a rough one.

I am making really good progress on Drewber's scrapbook. I am having a lot of fun doing it and it has been really theraputic. I kinda feel like I am getting to relive his life all over again. I will post pictures of my favorite pages soon. He would have been three months old today. Its crazy...it seems like three years and then it seems like three hours. I miss him so much. What I wouldn't give to rub his cheeks or kiss his sweet fat thighs. Precious boo.