Right this moment

Just a little while ago, I was sitting on the couch feeding Suzanne and watching Thomas build train tracks all over the living room floor. He loves his new hand-me-down train set...the best free toy we've ever gotten. I love to watch his brain work...love to see the light come on when he figures something out. He babbles and laughs and learns and I couldn't be happier to watch him. I watched him, snuggled her and thought of how very lucky I am. Just a very short time ago, I ached to be a mother. My Andrew came along and gave me everything I ever wanted. I'll never forget the feel of my heart lurching the moment I saw that long awaited positive pregnancy test. I remember calling Corinne in a hot panic, needing to hear someone's voice to confirm that I wasn't dreaming. And then he was gone and the ache was back, stronger and more fierce than I could ever have imagined. Along came Thomas, and, not long after, Susie. My heart is so full even in the darkest corners where grief will always live. Having living children magnifies the enormity of our loss, but I still feel lucky tonight. I feel grateful that I have kissed three precious heads of babies that will always be mine. How many people ever get that gift...no matter how brief one of those heads was in my hands.