Sunday, May 27, 2012
I find myself back here far more often than I would have thought. My heart is still so sad...I feel so far away, like my Drewbie was a dream. For so long, I felt like he was real...like he was alive in the openness and freshness of my grief. I talked about him, people asked about him. Now...nothing. No one speaks of him much. Not that I fault anyone. I think that's just the way of it. He's gone and he's been gone for quite some while now. I used to feel free to express my sadness openly and now it feels wrong. I come here to write what I don't think anyone still reads. I don't even think I need anyone to read it like I once did. I think I'm glad I still need to come here, need to read other's stories. I think a part of me will always live in those 13 days and the few months that followed when my every thought was consumed with Andrew's death. I'll be this hidden Lindsey that I will continue to feed by coming here. I may not write as often as I used to, but I still come here every EVERY day to read. I read old blogs I wrote, I read other mommas' stories. I think of those whose stories and babes helped me feel less crazy and like I belonged somewhere. A part of my heart will always live here in this spot that is only mine and my Drewbie's. It may only make sense to me, but I feel like we are together here...like I am his momma here. Good night, baby angel...I hope you feel my love.