Friday, October 15, 2010

this girl I shouldn't be

I've been reminded several times lately of how different I am I don't quite fit anymore. Its this strange combo of belonging and blending in to normal society...almost. There's something a little off, something that makes most uncomfortable. To strangers, it goes unnoticed. I may seem a little sad if someone was paying close attention, but for the most part, I seem okay. To my inner circle, I apparently seem withdrawn and closed off. Its starting to really affect some relationships I hold dearest. I'm not sure what to do about it. I know that I probably wall my emotions up more than I did before so I don't completely fall to pieces. Survival instinct? I try to let people in, but IN is a shitty place to be sometimes. I don't want people to see this raw, wounded, still bleeding out of control side of me. Its always there and I guess I'm not so good at hiding it. I'd rather go about seems a little easier sometimes. And so, my friends are worried. I know its out of love, but I can sense people getting frustrated with me because of my distance. I have even lost a few friends because of all of this. I realize that may be my fault. Because of what happened, I am not at all the same girl I used to be. I can't care about things that used to be important, I can't be carefree. Life has lost its shine in so many areas and I feel so far removed from who I used to be.

So I'm this other Lindsey now...and my friends and family unfortunately have to get to know me again in this new light. Thank you to all of you who still make the effort. I know I may not be as much fun as I used to be. I know I am quiet a lot and seem so far away, but I am so thankful that you are here...still in my kitchen...still welcoming me into yours.


  1. You will always be welcome in my house, but I would like to be given the chance to know raw, wounded you! I am always here to listen! I don't know what your going through, but I do understand grief, as does your family! I can't imagine what it like for your parents and Corinne to watch you go through this! There's absolutely nothing they can do help. That has to be miserable!

  2. You are most def an amazing woman who has been through some very unimaginable difficult times. I know I've told you many times before that I am here whenever you need me. I dont mind you bringing me IN to that shitty place you are faced with. I am a good listner and I have a shoulder you can cry on. I love you and still am amazed by your strength.

    To Sweet AEM, Surround you mommy with lots of love as I know you already do. We can not give her the comfort that you can. She is so amazing and needs you to keep pushing her along. I bet on a daily bases her wanting to make you proud of her is what keeps her striving. Although she couldnt make you any more proud of her than you already are. I wish I could have smelled your sweet orange smell :) Thank you again for letting me learn so much from you and your mommy! Yall have made me appreciate life more than I did before. Ecspecially my sweet Autumn. And most of all thank you for sharing your mommy with all of us. She is truely Super Woman :)