Andrew has been gone from us for 13 days today...I have been without him for as long as I had with him. I have had so many emotions over the past 26 days. I have felt more anger, joy, sadness, guilt, pain, love, humility, happiness and emptiness than I have ever felt in my life. I don't know how I have made it through the things that we have experienced and most days, I don't know how I will make it one more moment without Andrew. I feel robbed and angry for the life that was taken from me. I am very aware that "time heals" and "God has a plan" but that doesn't take the anger away right now. I am reading a really great book on grief that the amazing people at Waller Funeral Home gave us and I have learned from it to feel my feelings and to not feel bad. I have a right to be angry. I know that the anger will pass and maybe in 20 minutes I won't be angry...I might be numb or happy or desperately sad.
When I think about my sweet Andrew that was physically with me on this earth, I feel peaceful and warm. I know that he spent his time on this earth feeling protected by all that surrounded him. I know he felt my thousands of kisses and the many times I rubbed my face all over his soft, sweet smelling skin. He felt our love and gave us even more back in return. My child was beautiful. I loved his fat toes and the chunky fat thighs that I am not ashamed to admit to nibbling on. He had a barrel chest like his Daddy and the sweetest little ball chin that God ever made. He always kept his precious hands clenched tight...I held those hands every second I was with him. He had a little stork bite right between his eyebrows that I rubbed and rubbed. I remember it always felt warm and a little sticky for some reason. Andrew gave me so many gifts while he was here. I know now how it feels to be a mother. Even if I could only physically mother Andrew for 13 days, I will always be his momma and we will always be connected. The sweet nurses at Le Bonheur put a little pottery heart in his memory box that says "those that live in our heart will never be lost" and I truly feel that he lives on inside of me. He and I were both at our happiest when I was pregnant and I feel like he is back inside...just in a different way. I can still care for him and love him and in a strange way, protect him again.
See, now the anger is gone and I feel extremely peaceful and loved by my angel. I am going to continue to update this blog even if I am the only one who ever reads it. I love a boy named Andrew Edward Mitchell and talking about him makes me feel closer to him and more peaceful inside.