Friday, January 1, 2010

A new year...

Andrew has been gone from us for 13 days today...I have been without him for as long as I had with him. I have had so many emotions over the past 26 days. I have felt more anger, joy, sadness, guilt, pain, love, humility, happiness and emptiness than I have ever felt in my life. I don't know how I have made it through the things that we have experienced and most days, I don't know how I will make it one more moment without Andrew. I feel robbed and angry for the life that was taken from me. I am very aware that "time heals" and "God has a plan" but that doesn't take the anger away right now. I am reading a really great book on grief that the amazing people at Waller Funeral Home gave us and I have learned from it to feel my feelings and to not feel bad. I have a right to be angry. I know that the anger will pass and maybe in 20 minutes I won't be angry...I might be numb or happy or desperately sad.

When I think about my sweet Andrew that was physically with me on this earth, I feel peaceful and warm. I know that he spent his time on this earth feeling protected by all that surrounded him. I know he felt my thousands of kisses and the many times I rubbed my face all over his soft, sweet smelling skin. He felt our love and gave us even more back in return. My child was beautiful. I loved his fat toes and the chunky fat thighs that I am not ashamed to admit to nibbling on. He had a barrel chest like his Daddy and the sweetest little ball chin that God ever made. He always kept his precious hands clenched tight...I held those hands every second I was with him. He had a little stork bite right between his eyebrows that I rubbed and rubbed. I remember it always felt warm and a little sticky for some reason. Andrew gave me so many gifts while he was here. I know now how it feels to be a mother. Even if I could only physically mother Andrew for 13 days, I will always be his momma and we will always be connected. The sweet nurses at Le Bonheur put a little pottery heart in his memory box that says "those that live in our heart will never be lost" and I truly feel that he lives on inside of me. He and I were both at our happiest when I was pregnant and I feel like he is back inside...just in a different way. I can still care for him and love him and in a strange way, protect him again.

See, now the anger is gone and I feel extremely peaceful and loved by my angel. I am going to continue to update this blog even if I am the only one who ever reads it. I love a boy named Andrew Edward Mitchell and talking about him makes me feel closer to him and more peaceful inside.


  1. Sounds like a good feeling...loving a boy named Andrew Edward Mitchell.
    Much Love,
    Rachel & Chip

  2. Much love to you and your family. I pray for peace for you all. Thank you for sharing this with us.
    Holly Claire

  3. I, too, love a boy named Andrew Edward Mitchell. And a momma named Lindsey Kelly Mitchell :)

  4. Lindsey,
    I met you once with Austin. Your blog was such a sweet blessing to read. What beautiful moments. My husband and I lost a son, Mac, shortly after his birth. His situation was somewhat different from yours, but many of your feelings you have I have felt and still feel. Mac would be 3 now. If you ever want to talk or just share about your sweet Andrew I would love to. It does me good as well to have someone who really knows the experience of losing your baby. It is so very different than other loss. Your words are strong and though you may not feel it and it probably changes minute to minute; you seem to be a remarkable lady. I will continue to pray for you. I have other blogs or other resources if you come to a place of wanting to reach out to other people who have lost like you. Sometimes there is healing in that. Right now I simply pray that you have peace in those precious moments with your little man. Love to you and Austin. Mary-Dare Sharp