I started back to work on Monday and effectively catapulted myself back into the real world. It feels sad and cold and scary being back out here without my little boo for the first time. For so long, he went everywhere with me. When I was having a bad day at work, I just reached down and rubbed my pregnant belly and felt my boy and instantly felt better and that I could get through whatever it was that was going on. Not so much anymore. Being back at work has been half good and half horrifying. Most days I am distracted from the rubble that is my broken heart by working. However, I am finding that for the first time since Drewbie died, I have serious alone time to let my mind wander. Mornings are hard since I am usually by myself and doing some mindless job, freeing my mind up to reevaluate every decision I made and every decision the doctor made. I have had to call Austin and Corinne many times to talk me down. Customers come in and ask me "how is that baby" and I then have to tell them that my sweet angel died. I tell Drew a thousand times a day in my head, "I'm sorry I have to tell them bad things about you." I strangely feel like I am betraying him by telling people the truth about what happened. I should be telling them how hard it is to leave him at Aunt Corinne's or how big his precious toes are or a million other happy things. But, no. Instead my talk is of ventilators, doctors, NICUs, and how "okay" we are. Even though I get a sick feeling when I see someone coming that I know is going to ask me about Drew, I want to talk about him. It is so much harder to talk to someone who knows but won't say anything about it. My baby has become the elephant in the room. No one knows what to say, but say something. Ignoring it makes me feel like I should be ignoring it. I can't make small talk when all I want to do is fall on the floor and scream and cry. Kids have it right...temper tantrums DO make things better.
We got the photographer's CD in of the pictures taken during Drewbie's baptism and after, when we took the ventilator out. Tim Cobb, the photographer, completely captured the beauty and peace of that day. I am so thankful to him for giving me such a priceless gift. I was fearful that the pictures would jack with my memories of his face and of the moment. Instead, I got a physical reminder of all that I felt and saw. His sweet face is perfectly the same as the one in my mind and heart. I want to wallpaper my house with these photos but I am working on reining it in. I love them and want to rub my face all over them.
I wrapped up one of the last little bits of this experience this week. I told Andrew that I would donate the rest of his breastmilk to a little kiddo who needed it via the Mother's Milk Bank of North Texas. I finally got my blood tests done to donate and now some other sick little man in LeBonheur will be able to get some mommamilk to make him feel better. The milk bank is a wonderful place and I am so glad that Andrew and I were able to help others. You can link your Kroger card to the charity by calling the number on the back of your card. Tell the operator that you would like to link your card to the Mother's Milk Bank of North Texas and a portion of your spending will go to the milk bank. Wonderful way to donate and help other little Andrews whose mommas can't nurse. Drewbie says thanks.