Thomas' Room

So Andrew's room is now officially Thomas' room. I took out all of Andrew's clothes, hospital papers, and bibs. I also packed up the cloth diaper, gown and quilt from the day he died. I cried a little when I packed those up. I kept the mold of his feet and put them where his urn and picture are on a chest in my room. I took down the prayer flag that Corinne, Charles, Elise, and Mimi made for Andrew. I kept that in the closet so I can pull it out sometimes. It's fresh and clean and happy in there. Its always been happy, but now it feels different somehow. Good different, not sad different.




I'm 29 weeks today. Thomas is growing and healthy and apparently very big. He already weighs 3 lbs 4 oz and measured 30 weeks at my 28 week appointment. He's taking after his brother and daddy, a fact that pleases me more than you can imagine. He's very active and moves quite frequently and vigorously...I think it might be to reassure me that he's okay and happy in there. I've been having pretty regular Braxton Hicks contractions and I'm anxiously awaiting the for real ones. I'm not really nervous about labor...I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune once the pain hits, but I'm pretty sure I can handle it. If I can handle all that I have over the past 20 months, labor should be a breeze.

Life is trucking along pretty good right now. One thing is looming over our family's head right now that no one is looking forward to. Kent, my sister's husband, is leaving in 6 weeks to go overseas for a 12 month deployment. Thomas' birth and Kent's departure are too close for comfort and I feel so conflicted to be wishing the weeks by so Thomas will be here, but praying that they go slowly so Kent won't leave. Our family will be so affected by his absence and I hope that we can all give Corinne, Charles, and Elise enough love and support to help them through. I learned through grieving Andrew that nothing takes a pain that great away...nothing lessens it. I know that the Kent/Daddy corner of their hearts will be sad until he is safely at home with them...I just pray that we can make the other corners of their hearts happier in the meanwhile. I'm going to try to keep my blog up especially while he's gone so he can watch his second nephew grow up.

one year, six months, twelve hours

My Drewbie would have been 18 months old today. How different my world should be. I can't say I'm unhappy today...its been a good day in fact. I'm enjoying being pregnant with Andrew's little brother, Thomas. He's a squirmy little guy and I love feeling him move around all day. I'm 19 weeks today...most likely half-way through this one since Dr. Dulaney seems to be leaning toward inducing at 38-39 weeks.

Tomorrow I start therapy. I figured 18 months is long enough to try this on my own. I feel like I'm in a pretty even place dealing with losing Drew. I think I need to go for Thomas. I want to be the best momma I can for him...a happy, free Momma who isn't scared of everything. I don't want to be scared of the birth. I want to enjoy this time, enjoy his birth, enjoy his first few weeks. My sweet friend, Sam, just had her first baby and you can almost taste the joy she feels. I don't want to miss out on that. I don't want this to be overshadowed by the grief and pain that could kill it. We'll see how it goes...I feel happy with my decision to go.

Happy half birthday baby boy. Momma misses you every minute of every day. I wonder who you would be...how you would smell...who you would look like.

It moves

We had our third ultrasound yesterday and everything is moving along great. He (I only use he because it creeps me out to call a baby it) is growing so big and yesterday he did a little dance for us! I was able to see and HEAR the heartbeat...such a sweet sound! We won't go back for another two weeks because things are going really normally and she doesn't see much need for another weekly visit. I'll see this doctor just this one last time before I transfer back over to Dr. Dulaney for the rest of the pregnancy. I think I'm finally believing that this is actually real. I think the little movement yesterday made it all real. I remember watching little Andrew moving around in my belly on the ultrasounds before he was big enough for me to feel him. And then he turned into this real live little precious that I could hold and kiss. This baby is going to grow and be born, and hopefully, live and grow some more. I'm happy today...like really really happy for the first time in so so long. I kind of feel like life is as right as it can be now. I still live every moment with the ache of what should have been, but I think Andrew would want me to let this new baby light up my spirit again. A friend of mine who lost her first little girl told me that when she was struggling to get pregnant again, that she always thought of her baby girl up in heaven picking out the perfect little brother or sister for her momma and daddy. That same sweet friend is at home now...tired and happy, caring for her sweet baby's new little sister who arrived a few short months ago. Life goes on and I'm so grateful for this new little wiggly life inside me. I'm not completely unaware of how quickly blissful happiness can turn into desperate emptiness, but for now, I choose to focus on the happiness I feel today.

Sweetest little Andrew, I miss you baby boy. Seeing your little brother or sister on these ultrasounds brings back so many happy memories of you. I'm so thankful for the comfortable, happy life I was able to give you while I was pregnant. The outside world was most definitely not kind to you and it was the greatest gift of my life to be able to give you a safe, warm place to grow and live. I love you sweet boy.

pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try

I think I'm ready to put this out for the world to see. I'm pregnant...like for real this time. We had our first ultrasound yesterday and this kiddo is safely tucked inside my uterus where he belongs. I'm 6 weeks and 4 days along with a due date of October 31. We are past the point of cautiously happy and have moved on to just plain happy. We saw the heart beat and the sweet as pie ultrasound tech said that everything looked "textbook" perfect. Everyone at the office was very excited for us and made a big fuss that we had gotten pregnant so easily. This baby was conceived using ZERO fertility drugs. Austin is considerably proud of himself. I was supposed to start Clomid around the 23rd when I should have started my period after taking the round of progesterone. However, two or three days after the last pill, I hadn't started so I started getting suspicious. I went to Walgreen's and then home to eat lunch with Austin. Peed on a stick...preggers...excitement...hugs...sandwich. Great lunch break.

We've told people in our lives, but we still aren't putting it on facebook just yet. So if you are my friend on FB, keep this news off until I've decided to put it out there. It may be next week, it may be later tonight, or it may be when the kid pops out. I'll let you know. Thanks to you all for letting this be a safe place where I can talk freely.

would like to take a moment...

to give the last month the finger. A lot has happened since my last post. I sort of hate to put this all out on front street but my blog is my release so here goes. If you don't know all of this and you are close to me, please forgive me for not sharing all of this with you personally.

I found out the Tuesday before Christmas that I was pregnant. Holy crap. Totally unexpected, but two pink lines regardless of my expectations. Knowing better, I went to Oxford Kids Co. and bought a sweet little white lamb. I wrapped it up and gave it to Austin and told him he was going to be a daddy again. We cried, hugged, and went to bed to rest up for our early doctor's appointment the next day. I made a quick appointment with Dr. Dulaney because I had been spotting but I wasn't too concerned because I spotted with Andrew. We were both apprehensive to get excited and agreed to set fire to the little white lamb if the blood test turned out to be negative. Laura, Dr. Dulaney's sweet nurse, was pretty excited to see us and hear the news. I kinda think they are all secretly rooting for us a little extra because we lost Andrew and have had such a hard time making him a little bro or sis. She took my blood and told me we'd know in a few minutes. Few minutes go by...blood test positive. The lamb is saved. Dr. Dulaney seems a bit more skeptical since the timelines don't seem to be adding up and the ultrasound looks sketchy. She can't find anything in my uterus and kinda preps me for this not being as perfect as it seems. She said we'd know more the next day when my blood work comes in and we see what my hormone levels were. We went home and settled into the idea that we might be parents again.

The next day, I was a wreck. I just didn't feel like things were right. In my heart, I couldn't shake the feeling that this baby wasn't where he was supposed to be. I kept thinking tubal pregnancy, tubal pregnancy, tubal pregnancy. (where the baby implants in the fallopian tubes instead of the uterus. Tubal pregnancies cannot continue and either miscarry or must be medically/surgically removed.) Corinne tried to ease my mind a bit, but I guess a momma just knows when things aren't right in her body/with her kids. Dr. Dulaney called mid-afternoon and told me that my levels were very concerning. My hormone levels were much too low for this to be a viable pregnancy and I was either miscarrying or had a tubal pregnancy. I hate when I'm right. Merry Effing Christmas.

So began two weeks of blood work and doctor visits. All bloodwork pointed to this most likely being a tubal and not a miscarriage. I spent one night in early January in the emergency room in Memphis with severe cramps. After that, Dr. Dulaney wasn't happy with the way the bleeding was continuing and how my hormone levels were not falling like they should have been. On the 4th, I had a D&C which confirmed the fact that the pregnancy was in fact tubal. I had two shots in my rump of methotrexate to take care of the "products of conception." I wonder who decided on that term. I did my last bloodwork on Tuesday and she's satisfied that this whole ordeal has come to an end.

I feel more hopeless than ever now that we'll ever actually parent a child. We've been struck by lightning twice now and I'm not sure my heart can handle a third. I wonder what I cosmically have done to have this all put in my path. I am not writing this to be pitied or anything of the sort...I'm just wondering aloud. The silver lining in all of this is that I was able to get pregnant...just in the wrong spot. And the awful moldy black lining is that I am much more likely to have another tubal now that I've had one.

And this whole experience has strangely made me feel farther away from my Andrew. I wonder if I'll feel even farther away when I get pregnant for real. It felt awfully like moving on and I'm not sure I liked it.

Happy Birthday Angel

My Andrew's birthday was Monday. One whole year old...geez that went by so quickly. Even so, I feel like I've lived a hundred lives since last December. So much has happened. So much hasn't happened.

We began Andrew's birthday celebration on Friday morning with an early morning flight to Denver. Andrew's Mimi and Pop (aka my parents) and Andrew's Aunt Corinne and Uncle Kent sent us to Denver to get away from the everyday to celebrate his birthday. I was a bit nervous about not being in my comfort zone for this huge day, but it turned out to be the very thing we needed.

We went with really no plans other than to attend the Rowan Tree Foundation's annual candlelight remembrance event. The event was held on Saturday night and it was everything I could have hoped for. I was a little apprehensive about going...not sure why...just seemed kind of like the first day of kindergarten maybe. The ceremony was beautiful...celebratory. I am sad that we had to go...sad that my baby's name had to be on one of the beautiful ornaments hung on the luminaries that lit up the dark, cold night. But so very grateful that mommas like Corinne O'Flynn have events like this so we can feel connected to Andrew.

We had plans to celebrate Andrew's birthday with a nice, romantic dinner. But, the night before, we went to a quiet little restaurant and I instantly knew I couldn't spend his birthday in a somber place. I sat down at the table on the 5th and felt almost exactly like I did on December 16th last year. That night was very possibly the worst night of my life. And I've had some bad nights. We went to Huey's with Austin's family just after we had THE meeting with all of the doctors...the meeting where we issued the DNR and were told that Andrew would most likely die very soon. I wanted to burn Memphis to the ground that night. I remember this intense desire to claw my skin and pull my hair and scream as loud as I possibly could. So out of control...so sad and helpless. I got a good sniff of this feeling again on the 5th so I told Austin that I wanted to do something fun and active on Andrew's birthday. We spent the day in Golden, touring the Coors brewery and every bike shop in town. That night, we went to Dave & Buster's. Its kind of like a Chuck E Cheese's for adults. We ate bad bar food and played skee-ball until our arms hurt. We used to go to this arcade in the Oxford Mall when we first started dating to play skee-ball so it brought back very fond memories. We had more fun together than we've had in a long while. It felt like a place we would've brought Andrew one day. I kind of felt like he was there. I definitely felt like he was proud of us. I grabbed Austin hands before our dinner arrived and told him how proud I was of us. Proud that we've made it the year...proud that I still love him and he still loves me...proud that we are still standing and smiling. Proud to be our boy's strong parents.

The days following have been filled with so many "one year ago today" statements. One momma on a blog I read calls this "walking the weeks" of his life. I like that imagery. I've realized that the 13 days he lived were really so very short. I'm writing this the night of the 14th. (even though the post date says otherwise) One year ago today, we were wrapping things up in Tupelo...readying ourselves for the trip to LeBonheur. We thought we were going there for surgeries to be able to take him home. We found out on the 15th that there would be no surgeries, there would be no going home.

I miss my little boy. I will always miss my little boy. Even when there is another, there will never be him. This simple fact wrecks me. There is a song that I hear a lot in my car called "Jar of Hearts." I cry my eyes out every time I hear it...its got so much anger in it and it speaks to me for some reason. One line says "I've learned to live half alive." I think that's the trick of losing a child, learning to live again. It won't ever be full, complete, carefree, or really truly happy. But it can be a life. A life I still want to live even though he isn't here.

So happy birthday precious little light of my life. I hope this year, in what should be your second year of life, I can continue to dig my way out and make you proud. I hope I can take your little brother or sister to the candlelight next year. I'm so proud to be your momma...so proud your soul still burns in mine. You will never leave your momma's heart.

woohoo!!

Took an ovulation test this morning...two dark pink lines! Looks like I'm a fully functioning girl! Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies...I'm pretty freakin jazzed.