It moves

We had our third ultrasound yesterday and everything is moving along great. He (I only use he because it creeps me out to call a baby it) is growing so big and yesterday he did a little dance for us! I was able to see and HEAR the heartbeat...such a sweet sound! We won't go back for another two weeks because things are going really normally and she doesn't see much need for another weekly visit. I'll see this doctor just this one last time before I transfer back over to Dr. Dulaney for the rest of the pregnancy. I think I'm finally believing that this is actually real. I think the little movement yesterday made it all real. I remember watching little Andrew moving around in my belly on the ultrasounds before he was big enough for me to feel him. And then he turned into this real live little precious that I could hold and kiss. This baby is going to grow and be born, and hopefully, live and grow some more. I'm happy today...like really really happy for the first time in so so long. I kind of feel like life is as right as it can be now. I still live every moment with the ache of what should have been, but I think Andrew would want me to let this new baby light up my spirit again. A friend of mine who lost her first little girl told me that when she was struggling to get pregnant again, that she always thought of her baby girl up in heaven picking out the perfect little brother or sister for her momma and daddy. That same sweet friend is at home now...tired and happy, caring for her sweet baby's new little sister who arrived a few short months ago. Life goes on and I'm so grateful for this new little wiggly life inside me. I'm not completely unaware of how quickly blissful happiness can turn into desperate emptiness, but for now, I choose to focus on the happiness I feel today.

Sweetest little Andrew, I miss you baby boy. Seeing your little brother or sister on these ultrasounds brings back so many happy memories of you. I'm so thankful for the comfortable, happy life I was able to give you while I was pregnant. The outside world was most definitely not kind to you and it was the greatest gift of my life to be able to give you a safe, warm place to grow and live. I love you sweet boy.