Miss you

Preparations

Three years ago tonight, Austin and I were preparing ourselves for the unthinkable. We were preparing for the next day, for the death of our child. We had nothing nice enough to wear to tell him goodbye so we had to go to Dillard's quickly before we went to the hotel to find something respectable to wear. I remember how panicked I was in Dillard's after I found something to wear but couldn't find Austin. I called and called him and couldn't get him to answer his phone. I physically panicked because I couldn't find him. It was only a few minutes but I still freaked. I was so unstable, so scared, so dependent on him to be okay. I feel a little bit like that tonight. I think about how incredibly sad it is to have had to tell my newborn son goodbye, body still bleeding from the birth, breasts swollen with the milk I was trying to stop producing. Three years out and I'm still so terribly broken. Some days, like today, I feel like I won't ever be okay. The grief seems so physical still, like a heavy iron weight strapped to my body. Every year, during the 13 days he lived, I almost feel like he's alive again. I can walk through the days of his life and I can remember so clearly what each day was. Yesterday, three years ago, I held my baby boy for the first time. He was 11 days old. Today, three years ago, Austin held Andrew for the first time. We wouldn't hold him again until he was dying. But, the 13th day always comes and he dies. Every year, he dies on the 13th day. I grieve him all over again. My body hurts, my chests hurts, my heart breaks into a million unfixable pieces. Oh, baby, if I could do things over, I'd do a million things different. I don't know if I could have saved you, but I would have tired harder, sweet boy. I'm so sorry I couldn't. I'm so sorry I didn't spend every second of your too short life by your side. I love you, baby boy.

Pieces of him

My family attended Charles and Lu's Christmas pageant tonight at their church...the church where, three years ago, Andrew's memorial service was held. Thomas was antsy so we left the service to listen from the hallway. The hallway looks out onto the courtyard where the remains of past church members are buried. It's a peaceful place where we once thought of putting Andrew's ashes, where the ashes of a friends twin baby girls rest. Thinking of Andrew, I lit a candle and said a quick prayer for my beautiful boy. Immediately after, I noticed a book enclosed in glass. It is turned to 2009, the year Andrew lived and died. I then saw his beautiful name. I sometimes feel so removed, so distant from him. I feel like he was there with me tonight, giving me peace. Thanks for the nudge, baby. Momma loves you.

3 years

Hey bitty boy, Today is your third birthday. Gosh, three. What a big boy. I look at the three year olds playing on the playground some mornings when I take baby brother to daycare. I can't imagine that being you. I want to know three year old you. Insert break...today is now December 16. 10 days after your third birthday. I sat down to write your birthday post on the night of your birthday and couldn't find the words to say. I'm still not sure I have them. What do I write? I don't have anything new to say. It's the same old I miss you, I love you, I wish you were here. I guess that's all that is really left to say anymore. That's one of the saddest parts. I'll always have something new to love about little Thomas, something new to say about him on each birthday that passes. You, little love, will forever remain a newborn baby who I never really got to know. I know who you might have been through your baby brother. I know you had his drive and strong will or we wouldn't have had those 13 beautiful days with you. Happy happy happy birthday, beautiful boy. I miss you more with every breath I take.