Happy Mother's Day

Today should be a much different day. I imagined this morning waking up a sleepy boy and saying, "Happy Mother's Day, Momma!" I bet he would have smiled at me and noozled my neck. BUT...in honor of my boy, who'd want me to be happy, I'm going to try my hardest to make this a happy day. It should be..I am his Momma and he is safe and I am loved.

To my Momma: Thanks for crying when Corinne and I fought, for having the softest heart I've ever known, for dancing without care in NYC, for messing up little sayings, for loving my Daddy, for always fixing us breakfast, for buying me new clothes when Brad Hawthorne broke my heart, for leaving silly notes in our lunchbox, for thinking I was still precious during the "its my job its what I do" years, for constantly rubbing little Drew's face in the NICU, for helping me in so many ways while he was sick...all of the millions of seemingly insignificant things you have done for me without question. They have all added up to make such a giant difference in my life. I couldn't hope for better. I love you Momma.

Give your momma a squeeze today. If you can't, give some other deserving momma one. I now know what this momma love thing is about and its powerful business.

Love you my Drewbie...I'll make you proud this Mother's Day.

breaking my heart

I was wondering when it was coming...I've been too okay lately. I haven't cried much over the past week or so. Maybe I was so preoccupied with New York and Austin coming home that I pushed it all back. Corinne, Kent, Charles and Elise came over this evening to welcome Austin home. When they were about to leave, Elise wanted to go into Andrew's room. We went in there and she played with the little dinosaur they gave him before he was born. She looked at the porcelain mold of his feet...I let her hold them because she said, "I promise not to drop them." She asked me if they took his feet off and put them in there. I explained how they made the mold of his feet and she wondered if it hurt and asked if he cried. I wish he would have cried. Then she asked me "What was he like?" I talked to her about him a little and we looked at his scrapbook. Then she said, "I wanted to give him a kiss on his arm but they said I was too little." What were we thinking not letting her see him more? We let Charles go back in his room but we didn't let her. I am so upset with myself for not letting her. She was as excited about him as anyone was and we didn't let her really meet him.

There are no do-overs and we all have to live with the decisions we made. I wonder if that is what makes me so sad and angry. My precious niece has to wonder what he is like instead of just knowing because he is here. But he isn't here and I have to look at her and tell her how sorry I am that she didn't really get to know him. I wanted to burst into tears and hold her tight and tell her that we made a really bad decision in not letting her meet him. But I can't cry in front of her because I'm the adult and have to be strong for them. My heart breaks for them...what must they think...how do they process it? I know I am probably over-thinking it and worrying too much. Elise is probably sleeping soundly in her little bed...all sadness a million miles away. I, on the other hand, am crying on the couch for my sweet niece and nephew...grieving for a little boy they'll never know.

Sunday is gonna be no fun at all. I want to take a match to the Mother's Day card displays at Walmart. I'm not going to so don't worry...I'm just pissy and sad tonight. I'm sending up special prayers for all of my momma friends who can't be with their precious babies this year. So many of us are fresh on this babylost road and I hope they are surrounded by love and comfort like I am.