surreal

A friend had an emergency C section yesterday at 31 weeks. Mom and Baby are great...best outcome for the circumstances and I couldn't be happier for her. My mind is flooded with memories of my Andrew. I went to the hospital to be with her family while she was in surgery. I had to walk into the room...like THE room where I had my precious boy. I didn't realize it at first because I was so worried about Shelley and because I didn't have my glasses on when I had Andrew so I don't have many memories of actually going into the room. But I remember everything else.

Here comes the ugly part of my soul that I can only bare here. How did my situation turn out so differently? How does my perfect full-term baby die and how do others live? I feel like such a terrible person writing these words because I love my friend and her beautiful new family with every bit of my heart. But it is with every bit of my very broken heart. I have such a wonderful gift in my sweet babe Thomas, but I am still broken...still terribly incomplete. I always will be. Knowing this makes me angry, sad, and left feeling helpless. I miss my precious oldest. I can't ever say this enough. It's all I have, the missing. Love you tiny precious.