woohoo!!

Took an ovulation test this morning...two dark pink lines! Looks like I'm a fully functioning girl! Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies...I'm pretty freakin jazzed.

i hate you Monday

Today was no fun. At all. I was off today to go to Dr. Dulaney's office to see if the 100 mg of Clomid did its work. I started off the day after a not so restful nights sleep. I tossed and turned all night because I was burning up! Austin joked this morning that it must have been because I was "cooking eggs." My appointment was at 9:45 and for some reason, I had it in my head that I needed to leave by 8:45. Umm, Memphis is an hour and a half away. I didn't think about this until I was in the car leaving. So, knowing I was going to be late, I called the office and they were, thankfully, really cool about it.

I finally made it there and as soon as I sat down, not one...not two...but THREE very newborn baby boys came in with their glowing post-partum mommies. And when I say newborn, I mean very newborn. The mommas were still having lots of trouble sitting down. I had phantom pains when they did. Ouch. So I just stared straight at the floor until my name was called. It was a long 45 minutes.

The appointment was routine. The medicine did not seem to have had any more effects than the last round. The last round's effects being very minimal and obviously unimportant as I am not currently pregnant. It looks like I have one egg that may or may not do anything. It is on the small end of what they hope to see, but at least its something. She did give me the Ovidrel shot to take again on Wednesday so we'll try that again. I called my family and husband and grumbled and groaned. They were sweet and helpful. Thanks family...you're the best. Austin said that we'd just keep on taking ovulation tests and hope for the best. I feel okay about it now. Several hours ago, I was not okay, but after leveling off, I think I'm gonna be okay.

Going through all of this crazy business trying for another baby, I now realize just what an amazing miracle my Andrew really was. I am keeping my fingers crossed for another one just like him. Precious angel.

thanks a lot ben folds

I'm out of waterproof eyeliner...and its an issue. Went to the bank this morning for the store and while I was parking to go back inside, a Ben Folds song came on called "Still Fighting It." He's singing it to his son...all about the little things they do on a day to day basis and how maybe in 20 years they'll have a beer and talk about all of those insignificant days. total mess of a breakdown in my car + non-waterproof eyeliner = puffy eyed, midnight blue streaky faced Lindsey for the rest of the day. nice.

So the first round of Clomid didn't work. I'm on cycle day 7 so only two more days of Clomid 100mg. I go in next Monday for an ultrasound to see what's going on. We'll see...I'm not holding my breath.

We've rounded the corner and in less than a month, my Andrew would have been one year old. It doesn't seem real that its been almost a year.

this girl I shouldn't be

I've been reminded several times lately of how different I am now...how I don't quite fit anymore. Its this strange combo of belonging and blending in to normal society...almost. There's something a little off, something that makes most uncomfortable. To strangers, it goes unnoticed. I may seem a little sad if someone was paying close attention, but for the most part, I seem okay. To my inner circle, I apparently seem withdrawn and closed off. Its starting to really affect some relationships I hold dearest. I'm not sure what to do about it. I know that I probably wall my emotions up more than I did before so I don't completely fall to pieces. Survival instinct? I try to let people in, but IN is a shitty place to be sometimes. I don't want people to see this raw, wounded, still bleeding out of control side of me. Its always there and I guess I'm not so good at hiding it. I'd rather go about stone-faced...it seems a little easier sometimes. And so, my friends are worried. I know its out of love, but I can sense people getting frustrated with me because of my distance. I have even lost a few friends because of all of this. I realize that may be my fault. Because of what happened, I am not at all the same girl I used to be. I can't care about things that used to be important, I can't be carefree. Life has lost its shine in so many areas and I feel so far removed from who I used to be.

So I'm this other Lindsey now...and my friends and family unfortunately have to get to know me again in this new light. Thank you to all of you who still make the effort. I know I may not be as much fun as I used to be. I know I am quiet a lot and seem so far away, but I am so thankful that you are here...still in my kitchen...still welcoming me into yours.

here goes nothing

I'm about to shoot myself in the stomach...with shot of Ovidrel. I finished my first round of Clomid and it looks like one follicle is ready to release an egg. She said she likes to see more than one and she likes for it to be bigger, but its something. I am fully prepped for this not to work the first time, but I'm pretty happy that something is happening. I can't even begin to think about how I'll feel when I get pregnant again.

sweet little boo

Its been 9 whole months since my Drewber died...NINE. I'm not sure why that seems significant to me. I guess its because of the whole pregnant for 9 months thing...well 9 months in most cases. I'm a marathoner. I could have grown another brother or sister by now, but we all know that hasn't happened.

Sweet little boo, I miss you with every breath I take. Thank you for still visiting me every now and again in my dreams. You are all momma ever wanted and I still feel you so strongly. I wish I could hold you and love you and teach you about the world. I wish you could know your cousins who still think about you every day. I don't think they understand how this all could have really happened but they still find ways to make sure you are remembered. I'm so sorry this happened to us...I would do anything, give anything to have stopped it. I'm trying to make sure that I don't become a bitter, sad woman old before her time because of this. I know you would be so sad if I gave in completely to this awful emptiness. I only feel whole again when I am with your daddy in our house, especially in your room. I feel normal there, like I fit. Your room is still peaceful and warm...hopefully I'll be rocking your brother or sister in there one day soon. I love you sweetest boy. Thanks for spending as much time with us as your little body would allow. We are forever thankful for every second. Thank you for teaching me how to be a fighter, how to be strong, how to love, how to grieve, how to have courage. Thank you for making me realize how beautiful your father is straight to his core. Thank you for everything I learned about the world, about myself. You are always with me precious boy.

Love,
Momma

Andrew's Daddy

My sweet strong husband's birthday is today. I'm sure he was somewhat dreading the day...hard to celebrate life when your boy is gone. Austin is a very emotional guy...usually really vocal about how he's feeling and what he's thinking. About everything except for Andrew. He keeps this pretty private. Every now and then, I get a glimpse of his pain and it knocks me to my knees. I know how bad my heart is destroyed and knowing that his is equally destroyed is almost too much to bear. I would give anything to make this go away for us, anything to take away the pain I see in his eyes. I wish that instead of giving him cycling jerseys and cycling bibs, I could be giving him his wiggly son on his birthday morning. I wish that I could stop this god awful wishing.

Thank you sweet husband, on your birthday, for always being patient with me. I know my incessant sadness must be a terrible reminder of how you can't fix this. Thank you for trying to in a million different ways. I couldn't ask for a better other.