February 1, 2012...so far away from December 6, 2009 and December 19, 2009. My days are filled with pointy tongued smiles and slobber. My sweet babe is teething and smiling and laughing. He's even sweet when his teeth are bothering him. I feel so lucky...so grateful and aware of what I have. I can't look at Thomas without this intense rush of thankfulness. He has no idea how healing he is for me. He has such a kind nature, so quietly sweet and smart. I love being his momma, love taking care of him. Austin and I have settled into a very comfortable routine with Thomas...things are easy here in our house. It is filled with a quiet warmth. I am so aware of it after having gone so long with a house filled with desperate sadness. I won't say that it isn't sad sometimes. I still cry very often about Andrew. I still miss him with every ounce of my being, but I have made room for happy. I kind of feel a little bit like I've re-entered "normal."
I kind of don't know what type of space this is for me anymore. I'm a very visual person and I've always had a picture in my mind of what my blog "space" looked like. I don't know what that is anymore. I try to come here to write simply about Thomas and our daily life, but I'm unable. This is Andrew's home and I don't need to force it to become something else. I can't come here and not make it about him. I guess that's okay since this has always been his place.
So, here I am. February 1, 2012 and I still need this place for Andrew. I may not come here as often as I once did and I think that's okay. But I'll always come, if not to write, to read. To wallow, to cry, to heal. Love you bitty boy.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Monday, December 19, 2011
two years
It has been two years today since our sweetest Andrew died. I don't really have much to say about how I feel about that. I just can't let today go by without posting the words.
I still miss, still love, still want you precious boy. And I always, always will.
I still miss, still love, still want you precious boy. And I always, always will.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Happy Birthday Baby
Sweetest Andrew Edward,
Your birthday is in a few days. I'm writing early since I don't want to waste your birthday in front of my computer, but I don't want to let the day go by without mention. You would be two years old this year. I would have two years of memories, two years of motherhood firmly under my belt. Instead, I have two years of what ifs and what isn'ts under my belt. Your story is so much less than it should be, so much shorter than seems right. Having your sweet little brother, Thomas, here with us for the last six weeks makes me realize just exactly what I wasn't able to have with you. He looks so much like you, by the way. He was just a few days old when I really realized it. I was feeding him in our room and I looked down and I swear it could have been you I was holding. My heart hasn't felt that much pain in so long...I felt like I WAS holding you again and my eyes flooded with tears. I kissed his face like it was yours and I felt so guilty for wishing it was you for just those few seconds. That isn't to say that I don't want Thomas...I just want you too. I'll never stop wishing you were here, never stop wanting to kiss your sweet face, never stop wondering why I can't. You will always be my first sweet baby and I'm so proud to be your momma. I don't really get to talk about you much anymore and, most of the time, I don't need to. This time of year is always hard and I think I feel further away from you this year in particular. I don't want these upcoming 13 days to go by without acknowledging you in some way. I'm already doing a few things to honor you. I gave two dollars to the Salvation Army lady at Kroger the other day since you would have been two years old. I don't know what else to do but the small things seem to help.
I wish you could meet Thomas. He is wonderful in every way and I'm so sorry you can't be his big brother. I'm so sad that everyone will think HE is the big brother. You are sweet baby, but no one will know. To the world, he is my first. You are sweet baby, but no one will know. I feel like the longer you have been gone from me, the more you disappear. I miss you so much still...it still feels so wrong and so godawful sad.
So here I am, two days before your two year old birthday. I don't know what to do with myself on Tuesday. Thank God your daddy is off of work. I don't know if I'll be sad, happy, or indifferent. It seems wrong to just make it just a regular old day...to not do anything. But how do you celebrate a birthday for a boy who isn't here? I love you so completely and fully. Happy Birthday precious angel boy. You made me a momma two years ago and I can never tell you how you've transformed my heart. You prepared me for your little brother...he and I both can't thank you enough. You will always be such a gift to me. I'll never stop remembering you, missing you, loving you, wanting you. Thank you for being my baby...my first, precious little baby. Momma loves you.
Your birthday is in a few days. I'm writing early since I don't want to waste your birthday in front of my computer, but I don't want to let the day go by without mention. You would be two years old this year. I would have two years of memories, two years of motherhood firmly under my belt. Instead, I have two years of what ifs and what isn'ts under my belt. Your story is so much less than it should be, so much shorter than seems right. Having your sweet little brother, Thomas, here with us for the last six weeks makes me realize just exactly what I wasn't able to have with you. He looks so much like you, by the way. He was just a few days old when I really realized it. I was feeding him in our room and I looked down and I swear it could have been you I was holding. My heart hasn't felt that much pain in so long...I felt like I WAS holding you again and my eyes flooded with tears. I kissed his face like it was yours and I felt so guilty for wishing it was you for just those few seconds. That isn't to say that I don't want Thomas...I just want you too. I'll never stop wishing you were here, never stop wanting to kiss your sweet face, never stop wondering why I can't. You will always be my first sweet baby and I'm so proud to be your momma. I don't really get to talk about you much anymore and, most of the time, I don't need to. This time of year is always hard and I think I feel further away from you this year in particular. I don't want these upcoming 13 days to go by without acknowledging you in some way. I'm already doing a few things to honor you. I gave two dollars to the Salvation Army lady at Kroger the other day since you would have been two years old. I don't know what else to do but the small things seem to help.
I wish you could meet Thomas. He is wonderful in every way and I'm so sorry you can't be his big brother. I'm so sad that everyone will think HE is the big brother. You are sweet baby, but no one will know. To the world, he is my first. You are sweet baby, but no one will know. I feel like the longer you have been gone from me, the more you disappear. I miss you so much still...it still feels so wrong and so godawful sad.
So here I am, two days before your two year old birthday. I don't know what to do with myself on Tuesday. Thank God your daddy is off of work. I don't know if I'll be sad, happy, or indifferent. It seems wrong to just make it just a regular old day...to not do anything. But how do you celebrate a birthday for a boy who isn't here? I love you so completely and fully. Happy Birthday precious angel boy. You made me a momma two years ago and I can never tell you how you've transformed my heart. You prepared me for your little brother...he and I both can't thank you enough. You will always be such a gift to me. I'll never stop remembering you, missing you, loving you, wanting you. Thank you for being my baby...my first, precious little baby. Momma loves you.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Thomas Hayden Mitchell
My sweet boy is here. He is perfect, he is pink, he is squirmy, he is mine. Here is the story of his arrival.
Austin and I went for our 38 week appointment on October 19 at 10:00. Dr. Dulaney was called to the hospital for a birth so we had to wait until 12:30 to be seen. I sent Austin to the store and I waited in the waiting room, eating an apple I found in my purse. Yay for hidden snacks. There was some super obnoxious girl in the waiting room who wanted to tell me all about her pregnancy and all the pains she was feeling. She also wanted to tell me all about her husband, how she was a couponer, how she sold AVON, and on and on and on. So I was considerably excited when Dr. Dulaney came back. They checked my blood pressure and it was a bit higher than normal...probably because I was nervous about talking to Dr. Dulaney about getting baby boy out...and from listening to chatty baby mama in the waiting room for 2 hours. When Dr. D came in the room, she asked me the usual "How are you feeling?" questions and I unloaded on her. I told her that due to the due date confusion, the high blood pressure, and everything that happened last time that I was not comfortable going any past the 24th and I'd go sooner if she was cool with it. She is wonderful and listened to my feelings and responded perfectly. She said she always listened to a momma's gut feelings and that she was glad I told her how I felt. I was not really dilated much more...only like a 2. We went back to the ultrasound room to do the biophysical profile. He was perfect as always with his sweet precious hand all balled up by his face like it always was. She said she had good news and good news. He scored perfectly on his BPP, but his fluid was a little low. That meant that she was sending us across the street to have a baby. She said he was telling us that he was ready and it was time for him to come on. We were shocked and excited...even though we went in there wanting her to say he could be born, we weren't really expecting to go any earlier than Monday. We didn't have any bags, our house was a wreck, and the carseat was still in Thomas's closet at home.
We went across to Methodist Germantown (which is fabulous) and got all checked in to deliver. I remember nervous laughter and giddiness from both of us. This was really happening. Austin commented on how much different this hospital arrival was compared with last time. A nurse (Jamie) took us back to my room and got us all settled in. We had trouble starting my IV since my blood pressure was a little elevated. I still have a fabulous bruise on my arm where one of my veins blew out. Jamie brought me the form to sign for an epidural and c-section should I need one and she handed me a LuLu's pen to sign the form with. Ha...we're famous! I asked her how she had this pen and she looked at me all weird and said "It's a store in Oxford." I said "I know! It's MY store in Oxford." Anyway, I sent Austin out to get himself some lunch and I got all settled in. The plan was to start me on Cervadil around 6:00 to start dilating my cervix. They'd leave that in for 12 hours and then start Pitocin around 7:00 am if I needed it. Austin came back and hour or so later with gifts and Shelley. She was coming in from Arkansas and we were excited to see a happy, familiar face. Austin is so sweet and had been down in the gift shop trying to find Thomas and I a gift. He bought Thomas a really bright striped sock monkey and he bought me a Willow Tree figure of a Momma holding her baby. He was really proud of himself and he made me a very happy girl...we're so lucky to have him.
By now, it's around 5:00 and they told me I could order supper from downstairs before they started the Cervadil. I ordered and then Austin and I decided that he'd go home and get all of our stuff since I'd pretty much just be laying there and resting until the morning. We clearly weren't aware what Cervadil does to my body! They inserted it around 6 and I settled in with a Storage Wars marathon. Momma and Daddy got there around 8:00 right when the fireworks started. The cervadil pretty much threw me into full force labor. I started freaking out that Austin wasn't back, making the contractions that much worse. I was a big weenie and got a dose of Stadol to slow things down and ease the pain a little. Austin got back around 9:00 and Mimi and Pop headed to Oxford to get some rest. I was able to sleep off and on until about 2:00. I woke up to go to the bathroom, feeling pretty good. I got back in the bed and felt a pop...same pop as when my water broke with Andrew except for I didn't feel the gush. I woke Austin up and told him I thought my water had broken...he sleepily freaked out. I paged the nurse and told her I thought my water had broken. She came in to check me and didn't feel anything or see any fluid. We figured I was crazy...I tried to go back to sleep. Two seconds later I felt a huge gush and then one giant massive freaking contraction. Game Time! We called Corinne...her and Mimi hopped in the car and started on their way. I wanted to stay on the monitor the whole time so I wasn't able to move through the contractions making them super super painful. I got an epidural and was able to deal pretty much until the morning. Morning came and the back labor got pretty intense. Thomas was posterior (face-up) so he had to do a lot of corkscrewing to get out making the labor pains super painful in my back. We tried lots of different positioning and lots of pushing to get him to turn. The nurses were amazing...letting me try all different positions that would never have been considered in Oxford. He turned and was born at 11:21 am. He gave us a bit of a scare at first. His cry was really weak and wet sounding so they took him over pretty quickly to the isolette. They deep suctioned him and even had to bag him. They called out for NICU to come and I, quite naturally, freaked the eff out. I kept saying, "Is he okay? Is he okay?" I just knew that we were doing all of this over again and I felt completely terrified. They all reassured me that he was fine and I soon heard a big loud cry and saw him pink up. They brought him over to me and I got to nurse and snuggle right away. My momma heart was super full. I felt all warrior woman and I'm considerably proud that I was able to deliver such a big posterior baby vaginally.
We're a month old today...I know I'm super late posting about all of this. We've settled in really well to baby life. Thomas is wonderful and we couldn't be more in love with the sweet boy. We've definitely had some growing pains. The first few days were marked with some serious sadness. We were both slammed with reminders of what we had really missed with Andrew, guilt for anything we could have done differently, and just the void of knowing our family was still incomplete. Then, the hammer fell and we got the news about sweet Walker's death. I don't think I put Thomas down at all the day we found out. I felt so grateful for what I held in my arms...I know that void that Chris and Christine so freshly felt in their hearts.
I'm not making any promises, but I'm going to try to post fairly regularly so I can look back on these first months and remember all that we did. I've got to run now because my son is growling at me that he's hungry. I'll happily go get my boy.
Austin and I went for our 38 week appointment on October 19 at 10:00. Dr. Dulaney was called to the hospital for a birth so we had to wait until 12:30 to be seen. I sent Austin to the store and I waited in the waiting room, eating an apple I found in my purse. Yay for hidden snacks. There was some super obnoxious girl in the waiting room who wanted to tell me all about her pregnancy and all the pains she was feeling. She also wanted to tell me all about her husband, how she was a couponer, how she sold AVON, and on and on and on. So I was considerably excited when Dr. Dulaney came back. They checked my blood pressure and it was a bit higher than normal...probably because I was nervous about talking to Dr. Dulaney about getting baby boy out...and from listening to chatty baby mama in the waiting room for 2 hours. When Dr. D came in the room, she asked me the usual "How are you feeling?" questions and I unloaded on her. I told her that due to the due date confusion, the high blood pressure, and everything that happened last time that I was not comfortable going any past the 24th and I'd go sooner if she was cool with it. She is wonderful and listened to my feelings and responded perfectly. She said she always listened to a momma's gut feelings and that she was glad I told her how I felt. I was not really dilated much more...only like a 2. We went back to the ultrasound room to do the biophysical profile. He was perfect as always with his sweet precious hand all balled up by his face like it always was. She said she had good news and good news. He scored perfectly on his BPP, but his fluid was a little low. That meant that she was sending us across the street to have a baby. She said he was telling us that he was ready and it was time for him to come on. We were shocked and excited...even though we went in there wanting her to say he could be born, we weren't really expecting to go any earlier than Monday. We didn't have any bags, our house was a wreck, and the carseat was still in Thomas's closet at home.
We went across to Methodist Germantown (which is fabulous) and got all checked in to deliver. I remember nervous laughter and giddiness from both of us. This was really happening. Austin commented on how much different this hospital arrival was compared with last time. A nurse (Jamie) took us back to my room and got us all settled in. We had trouble starting my IV since my blood pressure was a little elevated. I still have a fabulous bruise on my arm where one of my veins blew out. Jamie brought me the form to sign for an epidural and c-section should I need one and she handed me a LuLu's pen to sign the form with. Ha...we're famous! I asked her how she had this pen and she looked at me all weird and said "It's a store in Oxford." I said "I know! It's MY store in Oxford." Anyway, I sent Austin out to get himself some lunch and I got all settled in. The plan was to start me on Cervadil around 6:00 to start dilating my cervix. They'd leave that in for 12 hours and then start Pitocin around 7:00 am if I needed it. Austin came back and hour or so later with gifts and Shelley. She was coming in from Arkansas and we were excited to see a happy, familiar face. Austin is so sweet and had been down in the gift shop trying to find Thomas and I a gift. He bought Thomas a really bright striped sock monkey and he bought me a Willow Tree figure of a Momma holding her baby. He was really proud of himself and he made me a very happy girl...we're so lucky to have him.
By now, it's around 5:00 and they told me I could order supper from downstairs before they started the Cervadil. I ordered and then Austin and I decided that he'd go home and get all of our stuff since I'd pretty much just be laying there and resting until the morning. We clearly weren't aware what Cervadil does to my body! They inserted it around 6 and I settled in with a Storage Wars marathon. Momma and Daddy got there around 8:00 right when the fireworks started. The cervadil pretty much threw me into full force labor. I started freaking out that Austin wasn't back, making the contractions that much worse. I was a big weenie and got a dose of Stadol to slow things down and ease the pain a little. Austin got back around 9:00 and Mimi and Pop headed to Oxford to get some rest. I was able to sleep off and on until about 2:00. I woke up to go to the bathroom, feeling pretty good. I got back in the bed and felt a pop...same pop as when my water broke with Andrew except for I didn't feel the gush. I woke Austin up and told him I thought my water had broken...he sleepily freaked out. I paged the nurse and told her I thought my water had broken. She came in to check me and didn't feel anything or see any fluid. We figured I was crazy...I tried to go back to sleep. Two seconds later I felt a huge gush and then one giant massive freaking contraction. Game Time! We called Corinne...her and Mimi hopped in the car and started on their way. I wanted to stay on the monitor the whole time so I wasn't able to move through the contractions making them super super painful. I got an epidural and was able to deal pretty much until the morning. Morning came and the back labor got pretty intense. Thomas was posterior (face-up) so he had to do a lot of corkscrewing to get out making the labor pains super painful in my back. We tried lots of different positioning and lots of pushing to get him to turn. The nurses were amazing...letting me try all different positions that would never have been considered in Oxford. He turned and was born at 11:21 am. He gave us a bit of a scare at first. His cry was really weak and wet sounding so they took him over pretty quickly to the isolette. They deep suctioned him and even had to bag him. They called out for NICU to come and I, quite naturally, freaked the eff out. I kept saying, "Is he okay? Is he okay?" I just knew that we were doing all of this over again and I felt completely terrified. They all reassured me that he was fine and I soon heard a big loud cry and saw him pink up. They brought him over to me and I got to nurse and snuggle right away. My momma heart was super full. I felt all warrior woman and I'm considerably proud that I was able to deliver such a big posterior baby vaginally.
We're a month old today...I know I'm super late posting about all of this. We've settled in really well to baby life. Thomas is wonderful and we couldn't be more in love with the sweet boy. We've definitely had some growing pains. The first few days were marked with some serious sadness. We were both slammed with reminders of what we had really missed with Andrew, guilt for anything we could have done differently, and just the void of knowing our family was still incomplete. Then, the hammer fell and we got the news about sweet Walker's death. I don't think I put Thomas down at all the day we found out. I felt so grateful for what I held in my arms...I know that void that Chris and Christine so freshly felt in their hearts.
I'm not making any promises, but I'm going to try to post fairly regularly so I can look back on these first months and remember all that we did. I've got to run now because my son is growling at me that he's hungry. I'll happily go get my boy.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
A sad goodbye
I began blogging about my sweet Thomas's birth earlier this morning, but I can't post it yet. I can't blog about his beautiful arrival while my family is in the midst of such deep mourning. My sweet baby cousin, Walker, died Sunday in a terrible car wreck along with two of his friends. They were coming back to Oxford to attend church with their pledge class. He was only 19 years old. He had come home to spend the weekend with his family to celebrate his Momma's birthday. This is unbelievably heartbreaking. The shock of it all is almost too much to comprehend. I can't imagine the pain his parents and siblings must be feeling. I know the pain of losing a child, but I don't know the pain of losing a child that I raised for 19 years...watched grow and thrive and live. I didn't have to tell his 14 year old sister and 17 year old brother that their brother died. I didn't have to do so many unspeakable things that Chris and Christine are going to have to do. My grandparents, both 80, are having to deal with so much pain...so unfair that they have to do this so late in life. Walker, Martin, and Megan light up their world. They have spent every Christmas Eve with those kids since Walker was born and now what?? How do you cope with that kind of loss?
Charles Walker Kelly...you were such an amazing kid. Becoming such an amazing man. You never shied away from a hug, giving me one at every arrival and departure. I saw you walking on the Square just a few short weeks ago, looking all cute and grown up with your head full of curly blond hair. You gave our family nothing but happiness and I am so proud to be your cousin. Your soccer coach mentioned that you left his team better than you found it. You did the same thing in the world and in our family. We will always love you, always miss you.
Charles Walker Kelly...you were such an amazing kid. Becoming such an amazing man. You never shied away from a hug, giving me one at every arrival and departure. I saw you walking on the Square just a few short weeks ago, looking all cute and grown up with your head full of curly blond hair. You gave our family nothing but happiness and I am so proud to be your cousin. Your soccer coach mentioned that you left his team better than you found it. You did the same thing in the world and in our family. We will always love you, always miss you.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Operation Get this Kid OUT
I'm planning my attack for Wednesday. I'm going to try to convince Dr. Dulaney to induce me on Monday the 24th. I'll either be 39 or 40 weeks...39 at the least. She said that once the baby reaches 39 weeks, he won't get any more ready or mature. I don't see any reason to wait...especially since everyday that passes, I seem to get more neurotic and antsy. I want him out NOW while he's still doing okay. I don't want to wait until he starts showing signs that he's not 100% happy. He's ready, I can feel it in my momma bones. I know at the end of pregnancy, most women are just ready to be done. Yeah, I'm tired of being pregnant, tired of the uncomfortable sleep, tired of the weepy, dramatic fits I've been having lately. But more than that, I'm just ready to know he's safe on the outside. I don't want to wait for something to go wrong. I know that's such a negative way to think. I'm not stressed about labor...I'm stressed about NOT being in labor. I think I'll do fine...I'm still hoping for as natural of a labor as I can have, but I'm prepared for whatever I need to do to get this kiddo safely out into the world in one pink, squirmy piece. I need to hold him and smell his head. I need to see his Daddy hold him and to see the joy and relief on his Daddy's face. I think I'm pretty convincing...hopefully Dr. Dulaney will agree. I'm fully prepared for her to say no, and I do trust her and her instincts. Not gonna stop me from trying though!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Momma's big boy
So, I'm technically 37 weeks pregnant today. Dr. Dulaney thinks we might have had my due date wrong from the start. She thinks my EDD might have been more like October 24 rather than October 31 which would put me at 38 weeks today. But, since Halloween is a much cooler due date, we're going with that one. Plus, it's not super cool in Doctor Land to change a due date so late in the game. We went for our first weekly doctor visit two weeks ago and did an ultrasound to see how much he is estimated to weigh. Its not super accurate, but it's pretty darn close. Most babies at 35 weeks weigh around 5 pounds. My sweet babe weighed in at 8 pounds 1 ounce. Holy geez. He has consistently measured around 2 weeks ahead, but we are talking HUGE baby here! I've been on a super restricted no sugar, really low carb diet since then. I have lost a few pounds and hopefully Thomas hasn't gained much. I don't know how he got so big...I have only gained about 25 pounds which is less than I gained with Andrew. I don't have gestational diabetes, I'm not swelling...in fact, I think I still look pretty great. I apparently have just grown a middle linebacker who will hopefully buy Momma and Daddy a condo on the beach one day with his cushy NFL salary. We go again this Thursday to check his weight again and to make sure he's still happy in there. I'm hoping for no more than 9 pounds this week and for maybe a 9.5 pounder at birth. I can do that...big brother was 8 pounds 10 ounces and my body weathered the storm quite well. Any more than 9.5 scares me to death! We're going to keep on with the biophysical profiles each week just to make sure he stays happy in there. If he shows any signs of stress, she's sending us across the street to the hospital to get him out. We should have a baby by the 24th or 25th at the very latest. She said that she isn't comfortable with me going past that knowing what happened last time. Or NOT knowing exactly what happened last time, I should say.
I'm ready for this babycakes to be here. Our family needs a little pop of happy right now. We're all getting used to Kent, my sister's husband, not being around. He left last Saturday to begin his deployment. He's safe in Texas right now and he'll hopefully get a pass sometime in November to come home for a few days before leaving for overseas. He'll get to meet my Thomas, but more importantly, he'll be able to snuggle his own wonderful family for a few days. The kids and Corinne are doing well...staying strong, making Dad proud. I know there will be some rough moments, weeks, months, but for now, we're just enjoying the calm. I'm proud of my tough, strong family. We seem to be made of some pretty strong stuff.
In other news, my husband has threatened to stop sleeping in the same bed with me if I don't agree to turn the ceiling fan off at night. He's gotten sick because he says "you could hang meat in our room" at night. Yeah, yeah, it's kinda cold. We figured out a way to make us both happy. He'll leave the thermostat alone if I'll turn the fan off. I said I'd agree to turn the fan off if he'd rig me up my own personal fan. So last night we tried this out:
my own personal "pregnant lady" fan propped up on my headboard. Yay...we both win!
I'm ready for this babycakes to be here. Our family needs a little pop of happy right now. We're all getting used to Kent, my sister's husband, not being around. He left last Saturday to begin his deployment. He's safe in Texas right now and he'll hopefully get a pass sometime in November to come home for a few days before leaving for overseas. He'll get to meet my Thomas, but more importantly, he'll be able to snuggle his own wonderful family for a few days. The kids and Corinne are doing well...staying strong, making Dad proud. I know there will be some rough moments, weeks, months, but for now, we're just enjoying the calm. I'm proud of my tough, strong family. We seem to be made of some pretty strong stuff.
In other news, my husband has threatened to stop sleeping in the same bed with me if I don't agree to turn the ceiling fan off at night. He's gotten sick because he says "you could hang meat in our room" at night. Yeah, yeah, it's kinda cold. We figured out a way to make us both happy. He'll leave the thermostat alone if I'll turn the fan off. I said I'd agree to turn the fan off if he'd rig me up my own personal fan. So last night we tried this out:
my own personal "pregnant lady" fan propped up on my headboard. Yay...we both win!
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