thanks a lot ben folds

I'm out of waterproof eyeliner...and its an issue. Went to the bank this morning for the store and while I was parking to go back inside, a Ben Folds song came on called "Still Fighting It." He's singing it to his son...all about the little things they do on a day to day basis and how maybe in 20 years they'll have a beer and talk about all of those insignificant days. total mess of a breakdown in my car + non-waterproof eyeliner = puffy eyed, midnight blue streaky faced Lindsey for the rest of the day. nice.

So the first round of Clomid didn't work. I'm on cycle day 7 so only two more days of Clomid 100mg. I go in next Monday for an ultrasound to see what's going on. We'll see...I'm not holding my breath.

We've rounded the corner and in less than a month, my Andrew would have been one year old. It doesn't seem real that its been almost a year.

this girl I shouldn't be

I've been reminded several times lately of how different I am now...how I don't quite fit anymore. Its this strange combo of belonging and blending in to normal society...almost. There's something a little off, something that makes most uncomfortable. To strangers, it goes unnoticed. I may seem a little sad if someone was paying close attention, but for the most part, I seem okay. To my inner circle, I apparently seem withdrawn and closed off. Its starting to really affect some relationships I hold dearest. I'm not sure what to do about it. I know that I probably wall my emotions up more than I did before so I don't completely fall to pieces. Survival instinct? I try to let people in, but IN is a shitty place to be sometimes. I don't want people to see this raw, wounded, still bleeding out of control side of me. Its always there and I guess I'm not so good at hiding it. I'd rather go about stone-faced...it seems a little easier sometimes. And so, my friends are worried. I know its out of love, but I can sense people getting frustrated with me because of my distance. I have even lost a few friends because of all of this. I realize that may be my fault. Because of what happened, I am not at all the same girl I used to be. I can't care about things that used to be important, I can't be carefree. Life has lost its shine in so many areas and I feel so far removed from who I used to be.

So I'm this other Lindsey now...and my friends and family unfortunately have to get to know me again in this new light. Thank you to all of you who still make the effort. I know I may not be as much fun as I used to be. I know I am quiet a lot and seem so far away, but I am so thankful that you are here...still in my kitchen...still welcoming me into yours.

here goes nothing

I'm about to shoot myself in the stomach...with shot of Ovidrel. I finished my first round of Clomid and it looks like one follicle is ready to release an egg. She said she likes to see more than one and she likes for it to be bigger, but its something. I am fully prepped for this not to work the first time, but I'm pretty happy that something is happening. I can't even begin to think about how I'll feel when I get pregnant again.

sweet little boo

Its been 9 whole months since my Drewber died...NINE. I'm not sure why that seems significant to me. I guess its because of the whole pregnant for 9 months thing...well 9 months in most cases. I'm a marathoner. I could have grown another brother or sister by now, but we all know that hasn't happened.

Sweet little boo, I miss you with every breath I take. Thank you for still visiting me every now and again in my dreams. You are all momma ever wanted and I still feel you so strongly. I wish I could hold you and love you and teach you about the world. I wish you could know your cousins who still think about you every day. I don't think they understand how this all could have really happened but they still find ways to make sure you are remembered. I'm so sorry this happened to us...I would do anything, give anything to have stopped it. I'm trying to make sure that I don't become a bitter, sad woman old before her time because of this. I know you would be so sad if I gave in completely to this awful emptiness. I only feel whole again when I am with your daddy in our house, especially in your room. I feel normal there, like I fit. Your room is still peaceful and warm...hopefully I'll be rocking your brother or sister in there one day soon. I love you sweetest boy. Thanks for spending as much time with us as your little body would allow. We are forever thankful for every second. Thank you for teaching me how to be a fighter, how to be strong, how to love, how to grieve, how to have courage. Thank you for making me realize how beautiful your father is straight to his core. Thank you for everything I learned about the world, about myself. You are always with me precious boy.

Love,
Momma

Andrew's Daddy

My sweet strong husband's birthday is today. I'm sure he was somewhat dreading the day...hard to celebrate life when your boy is gone. Austin is a very emotional guy...usually really vocal about how he's feeling and what he's thinking. About everything except for Andrew. He keeps this pretty private. Every now and then, I get a glimpse of his pain and it knocks me to my knees. I know how bad my heart is destroyed and knowing that his is equally destroyed is almost too much to bear. I would give anything to make this go away for us, anything to take away the pain I see in his eyes. I wish that instead of giving him cycling jerseys and cycling bibs, I could be giving him his wiggly son on his birthday morning. I wish that I could stop this god awful wishing.

Thank you sweet husband, on your birthday, for always being patient with me. I know my incessant sadness must be a terrible reminder of how you can't fix this. Thank you for trying to in a million different ways. I couldn't ask for a better other.

a new start?

I'm sweaty...that's cause I've taken up running. I'm not good at it, but give me a bit and I will be. I ran two 5Ks in August and I'm quite proud of myself. This last one was Saturday, for the Forrest Spence Fund in Memphis. The Spence's newborn son Forrest died in LeBonheur a few years back and they created this fund to help with the needs of families like theirs that would come behind them. They create care baskets with everyday items that you might take for granted until you are living out of a backpack with whatever you threw in as you rushed out the door to the NICU. Things that allow you to not really think about anything other than being with your baby. It is a fabulous fund run by genuinely good people who are doing so much to honor sweet Forrest's name. The event was great...Daddy, Austin, and two precious friends ran it with me. My sweet momma, bless her bad knees, was a Ghost runner and official photographer. Corinne couldn't go because she had to stay behind and run the store, but she will surely be there next year. We left Oxford around 5:30 with a sleepy Lu in the backseat tucked in between me and Mimi. Daddy is a super Pop and came in second place in his age group. They guy he beat was named Mark McGuire so we all got a good laugh out of that! All in all, it was a very emotional day. I saw one of the mommas that was in the NICU with Andrew. Her son died a few weeks after my Drew...on his little 3 month birthday after his 8th surgery. Thank God we didn't have to go through that.



I have also started on the fertility train. I have three more pills of prometrium to take before I supposedly will start my period. Then, on day 5, I take Clomid for 5 days. After that, I go in for an ultrasound on day 12 to check everything out. I'm pretty sure this process is how I got pregnant with Drewbie, but I'm not sure. I'm honestly doing everything I should be doing to help my body be able to get pregnant so we'll see. I'm trying to not think about it much, but I dare say I feel a tad hopeful these days. I'll keep you posted.

In other news, I'm famous...check me out!
http://www.facesofloss.com/2010/08/lindsey-mom-to-andrew-edward-mitchell.html#more

what happened

I have no idea why my son died. I'll never know why he died. I tell myself that it was just some lightning strike cord issue...no one's fault, just a freak, random accident. But was it? Did the doctor cut the cord too soon? Doing so can cause massive brain damage in infants, but did that do it? Was it my fault? I go over that question more than any other. What did I do...what did I not do? A mother's very basic job is to ensure the safety of her child...something I couldn't do. I know for a fact that every decision I made was made thinking that I was doing the very best for Andrew. But it could have been wrong. Should we have gone to the hospital on the 1st when I had false labor? Should I have just inherently known something wasn't right? Where was my intuition? If I ever get pregnant again, how am I supposed to trust that I will make the right decisions? I get sick to my stomach thinking of all the times I turned left when I probably should have turned right. I know that thinking these things is pointless...nothing will make it right, nothing will bring my Drew back.

I have come up with a tidy little story that I tell people when they ask what happened. I tell them that there was an apparent cord injury sometime at birth and he suffered massive brain damage as a result that was too severe to overcome. And I guess that's the truth. The unanswered question that remains is what caused it all? It kills me that the only thing I know for certain is that I'll never know for certain. I could very well be the reason my son is dead. Or he could have been harmed by the doctor cutting the cord or by the nurses not responding to my bleeding or by "fill in the blank."

While logically I know that I could be responsible in some way, I also logically know that I cannot hold myself hostage with these thoughts. I love my son more than my own life and know that I could never have knowingly done anything to cause him harm. I just wish I knew what happened and when it happened.