where it wanders

It's always in the car...I have time to think, to decompress, to be alone. Usually on my way home from work. My mind wanders and always ends up in the same place. Drewbie. I love that it always wanders to him, but it hurts so much too. I am realizing so much these days all that I won't ever have. I can't describe the love I feel for little Thomas...it is such an active love. It has purpose and weight...like it is an actual thing. I won't ever have that with my Andrew. It is a breathy, weightless love that doesn't have anywhere to land. I don't have anyplace to put it and so it lands on my cheeks when I cry on the way home. I realize more and more how this never ends. I think of my grandmother whose son died when he was 9...50 years ago. Does she still think of what might have been? I don't know how she couldn't. Miss you baby boy...